Rosie’s Variety Show

When I first saw the commercial for Rosie O’Donnell’s variety show, I thought the same thing that everybody else thought.  Man, John Madden really let himself go.  But to my surprise, it was actually Rosie making her big comeback.  For whatever reason, NBC decided to give her an hour to sing, dance and tell jokes.  I’m not buying your crap NBC.  You first give us Knight Rider without the Hoff and now this garbage.  Put Rosie up against Kobayashi eating hot dogs and I might switch over and watch.  I would even watch her headbutt a giant block of ice to see what would happen.  However, there is no way in hell that I am watching that big headed monster sing and dance.  Televisions were not designed for that melon head.  I would need NASA to configure my TV to fit her cranium in my 65 inch screen.  Sorry Rosie.  We as a society are just not ready for your variety show.  We will figure out something else for you to do in a later column.  It’s not us it’s you.

Thanksgiving Hates

Thanksgiving is really a simple holiday.  You eat as much as humanly possible and you watch football.  There really should not be any complaints.  Especially since this holiday was designed for the big man.  It just so happens that I have a few things that I hate about Thanksgiving that does not involve my heritage.

1. Dieters – I do not mind the fact that you eat small amounts.  I just hate to listen you remind me of your diet every other bite.  It is one meal for only one day of the year.  Shut the hell up and put some food in your mouth.  I don’t care how many carbs a hot roll has or how many fat grams your salad dressing contains.  Live a little.
2. People who show up empty handed – OK, you decide at the last minute to bring your family of six to my house and you bring only for appetites.  Did you forget something loser?  Oh, I get it, your wife does not really cook and you did not have time to stop off at Wal-Mart.  I have to now make my meal for seven stretch to a meal for thirteen.  That means less for me and yes, we have a problem.
3. People who eat half of their plate and offer it to me. I see you loaded the plate down and are starting to slow down.  You finally give up and instead of just either going the full nine innings; you decide you need a relief pitcher.  Just throw your food away.  There is nothing more demeaning to the big man then to be looked at as one step above the trash can.  If I am still hungry and we are out of food, I have no problem digging through the garbage myself.
4. Paper or Plastic Plates I know I am not eating at the Trump Mansion, but is it too much to ask to eat off of a standard plate?  I am not testing driving a Prius.  I should not have to worry about torsion and weight distribution of my food.
5. Detroit Lions Thanksgiving should be about football.  Whatever you are doing out there is not football.  Why are you on my television set while I am trying to enjoy my lunch?  I know it has been a rough year for you with the automakers and your team going 0-11.  You should be angry.  I just don’t understand how you can riot and burn half of Detroit down when you win but can’t overturn a single cop car when you lose every game.  Explain that logic.
6. Black Friday This drives me crazy.  You are going to wake me up at 2am to go stand in line at Wal-Mart to buy a 19inch tv for $99.  You can by the same tv for $104 any other day of the year.  Or you can wait until next week and buy it for $96.  I know you don’t understand so shut up and set your alarm.  Who doesn’t want to wait in line 5 hours in freezing cold to save $4.

Other than that this is my second favorite holiday of the year.

Bush Pardons Rapper

Bush decided to end his Presidency by reaching out to the black community and reward the 12 of you who voted for him.  Yesterday, he decided to pardon rapper John Forte.  I will admit that I am not as active in the hip hop community as the Bush family.  But John Forte?  First, who the hell is John Forte?  Second, is there a worst rap name than John Forte?  Thank you Bush for helping out the community but could you maybe hook up Ghostface Killah?  I’m sure he is either in jail, on his way to jail or just getting out of jail.  How about Lil Wayne?  I’m sure he’s bound to be up for weapons or weed.  DMX is about to go down for some hard time.  Could you just issue an open ended pardon for the WuTang Clan?  Oh well, it wouldn’t be a Bush pardon if something wasn’t screwed up.

UPDATE…John Forte went to the same prestigious prep school that Bush graduated from back in the day.  Phillips Exeter Acadamy is the connection.  Can you have any less street cred than to tell your crew that you grew up hard at the Phillips Exeter Academy?