Mall Santa Hates

What do you get when you add a red suit, a white beard and a fat guy?  The good old Mall Santa.  If you are like me and have a $30 dollar a day snickers habit, any part time job is appreciated.  This year I spend a few hours taking pictures with kids and so I can get to super size my order a few more times a day.  It is not as easy as I thought it would be.  Here are the biggest complaints from the Mall Santa.

1) Crying Kids – How does a four year old already need psychological help?  Your mom is three feet away.  Toughen up kid.  Unless you plan on to grow up to coach the Rams, life is going to be rough on you.  Nobody likes a crier.

2) Rich Suburban Kids – You are 5 years old and your mom spent more on your matching outfit than I did on my entire wardrobe.  The last thing I need to hear is that you want a new surround sound for your home theater in your room.  Go to hell.

3) Snotty Kids – I am sorry kid.  I cannot hear what you want because you just sneezed in my face.  Did I hear Kleenex or Vitamin C?  How about Santa bringing you an immune system?  You do not live in a third world country.  Go away.

4) High School Girls - I am sorry wrong list.  How did that get there?  People in line seem to get mad when I spend 45 minutes making sure I get everything on their list.  Don’t judge me.

5) Gay Guys – Don’t even think about sitting here fruitcake.  Let me guess.  You want soccer equipment, Philadelphia Eagles gear, or the new High School Musical DVD.  How did I know?  Not that difficult.

6) Elves – Can we not just waive the child labor laws for just this purpose?  No offense, but I get really freaked out by the “little people” in Elves costumes.  Do they get less than minimum wage?  Not sure how that works.  Just stay out of my way.

There are many more complaints than the ones that I have listed.   However, the extra $55 that I made this week is somewhat worth it.

Quincy Carter Christmas

If you are still looking for the Christmas gift for that Cowboys fan you hate, I have found the gift for you.  The NFL Shop has throwback jerseys and for $499 you can have an autographed Quincy Carter jersey that they will preserve in a frame for you to mount proudly on your wall.  At this point, I doubt QC would be caught dead in his own jersey but it is there for the taking.  Please click this link and notice that they call it Mounted Memories.  I am not making this up.  Is there any better term for the Quincy Carter Era than Mounted Memories?  Don’t gloat Eagle fans.  Donovan McNabs is 79 bucks on the same site.

Click to see this great piece of Dallas Cowboys history.

And Yes Veronda, There is a McNabb Jersey for $79

Bad Gifts for the Fat Guy

We gave you gift ideas for fatty and stocking stuffers for the fat guy which I hope you have used.  Many of you think that you know that fat guy in your life better than we do so you can go at it alone.  Go ahead and disappoint like you normally do.  Just do us a favor and stay away from these items.

Wicker Furniture. Look how stylish and practical this is.  You can pick it up and move it anywhere.  Of course you can.  Why? Because it is made out of sticks.  Unfortunately, I do not live in an African hut.  Do you really think that this is going to end well?   I can see it now.  I’ll have more bamboo shoots up my ass then I did in Nam.  Great gift!   I now look like a freaking porcupine.

Fanny Pack Wow, look it is a fanny pack.  I will look really European at the futbal soccer match.  Or, maybe not.  I understand you think that I cannot walk ten feet without eating and this is a great place to put a ham sandwich.  Hell, the guy in the picture above had a small mouth bass in his.  The problem is getting this around my waist.  Better yet, how will this go around my wrist?  You failed.

Sweating to the Oldies You mean that I can stop whatever is on my television set to watch a fruit in John Stockton shorts jump up and down with a herd of fat old ladies?  Better yet, I can get off the couch and join in the fun.  If you think this is a good idea, go to the first page of our website and start reading.  Idiot.

I am King by Puff Daddy Is that no talent I am smelling?  Yes it is.  Wear this and you too can mumble through somebody else’s rap tracks and design track suits with your name on them.  Then, you can come up with stupid nicknames for your self and change them every few years.  Next, you’ll lose your girl to a 4′11 Puerto Rican crooner.  No thank you Sean Combs.  Women prefer the scent of red meat, bacon, french fries and sweat.