If you build it, fatties will come.  For years the Texas fair has deep fried everything that anybody south of the Red River could think of as being somewhat edible.  For the first time, some genius came up with frying butter.  I have no idea how this works.  In theory you would just end up slurping up melted butter and grease.  The picture above actually looks pretty good.  You use some form of dough and then wrap butter inside and drop it into the fry daddy.  Pretty simple and pretty amazing that this hasn’t been thought of before now.   It also took Oprah all of a week to hear about this latest food idea and bring her show to Texas.  The last time she came to Texas she was hauled into court for driving the prices of beef down.  All she did was said she wasn’t eating beef and the price dropped.  I never thought she’d come back to Texas but that was before deep fried butter.

Can you not take your family out for a nice dinner anymore?  These fine people are trying to enjoy a nice afternoon of shopping and fine dining until this fool completely loses it.  I’m sure you can go to any Mcdonald’s or Wal-mart in the country and find similar behavior.  Granted, this video isn’t exactly catching Bigfoot riding in on a Unicorn but it still captures what I want to think is pretty unique human behavior.  This is exactly why you cannot combine a McDonald’s and a Wal-mart.  You can combine a high end Vegas casino with a 5 star French restaurant but lets just keep these two separate.   This fatty spends what was probably 2 minutes waiting on his chicken nuggets and he loses it.  Never mind the fact that he thinks he ordered this 30 minutes ago.  Never mind the fact that he cusses when there are families with kids.  Never mind that he probably ate 7 Big Macs an hour earlier.  Never mind that there is an entire frozen food section 15 feet away from him.  Never mind the fact that he could walk away with his dignity for $2.39 in lost nuggets.  Fatty is hungry.  Deal with it.  Thank you for shattering all stereotypes.

Have we really ran out of Middle Eastern sand traps to bomb?  How many bombs do we build a year that we have to now start randomly bombing the moon?  Tonight we are preparing to shoot a rocket into the moon to explode a bomb in order to crash the surface to see if we can find ice.  The Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite (LCROSS) project is going to cost us 79 million.   Could we not just save a few bucks and drop some bottle rockets in Sarah Palin’s front yard?  I am guessing that Obama is not going Letterman on an intern or discovered oil on the moon.  There is no need to shoot off any bombs.  This is sounding more and more like a bad Bruce Willis flick.  Are we sure that the giant hunk of rock that I can see from my backyard is going to stay up there?  This is sounding more like an idea from an Oklahoma 4th of July drunkfest than a NASA experiment.  Finally, did anybody see Armageddon with a straight face.  Ben Affleck, Billy Bob Thornton, Bruce Willis and Owen Wilson all save the world?  Good job Hollywood.

Quick disclaimer.  I am not a doctor, nutritionist, or dietitian.  However, I am able to recognize that something is not working for you Lindsay.  You are 23 years old and look like a 95 year old Sharon Stone.  How could this happen?  You are not working 60 hours a week at a coal mine.  You are not working at the Bunny Ranch.  You pretty much are not working period.  How could you reverse Benjamin Button it so quickly?

Let’s take a look at this.  I’m going to start with the Red Bull & Vodka which keeps your heart racing and your brain alert to enjoy more Red Bull & Vodka.  The cycle just never stops.  Replace that with water and get some sleep.  Next, cocaine should only be used for special occasions like the weekend.  Finally, switch from Marlboro to Marlboro Lites and only smoke them after 9am.  Again, there is nothing wrong with aging.  It is a natural human process.  However, Lindsay Lohan should not receive the senior citizen discount every time she eats at Denny’s.  Enough of the Golden Girls look.

Many people on this very website criticized me for pointing out that Khloe was a large human being.  Well it looks like I am now vindicated.  I would have suggested for her to either mix in some stripes or camouflage but she took it to the next level.  Why change your wardrobe when you can marry a 6′11 260lb Lamar Odom?  They look really happy and I must say that she looks really good.  She should remove all of the pictures floating around of her and her sisters.  I think these two will make a great couple.  I’ve also heard that Al Davis has already traded another number one draft pick to the New England Patriots for the rights to their first born.  Everybody is a winner.

It is never a good sign when you have to take a test to prove your gender.  It is even worse when it takes 3 weeks to figure out what is going on down there.  Caster Semenya will now need to check all of the above or none of the above on the next census.  Now that this is clear.  Who needs to take the test next?  Serena Williams has more testosterone flowing through her then the entire Nebraska offensive line last night.   Carolina should probably test Jake Delhomme after his 5 turnover game today.  Is there any reason not to test the entire Bengals team after losing at home to the Denver Broncos?  Rams should just quit while down 28-0 and line up at the free clinic.  We can probably go ahead and schedule A-Rod for this October.

Great piece of journalism here.  Terre Blair explores the myth that millionaire professional athletes do better with the ladies than your average factory worker.  Guess what?  They do.  I’m glad that mystery is solved.

Cris Collinsworth probably wants this one back.  He shares of technique of walking around with 100 dollar bills in his pocket and also talks about the high school girls.  It sounds like his 100 bill trick only works with girls ages 14-18 until they figure it out around their freshman year of college.  Now that he is replacing Madden.  Do you think we may have a new Collinsworth Cruiser?  Just a nice yellow school bus should do the trick.

If your friend decides to drink and drive, just take their keys.  Shawn Merriman might have been a bit overzealous in his actions.  Tila did not want to join Merriman and his two other girlfriends in private.  She simply took off her clothes and decided to leave.  Nothing wrong with that.  Merriman concerned for her safety went after her like she was Brady Quinn.  (By the way Browns, nobody cares which crappy qb you are starting.  They will still throw 3 interceptions a game and you will go 5-11.  Enough with the big mystery.) It appears that he grabbed her by the arms and shook her until she sobered up a bit.  Not sure if he threw in his stupid lights out dance but he did not appear to hurt her.  He may be forced to only date two women at a time instead of three once this gets out there.   Now the San Diego DA is saying that there are no charges to be filed.  Merriman will probably have to dip into his wallet and this will all go away.  Just like his career if he gets busted for roids again and her career once she hits 25.

College Football is back and what better way then to highlight the nice fan base from Alabama.  I’ll admit that I knew this was not going to be pretty when I received this link that simply stated Bama Fan.  Sure enough the jackass made a fool of himself with his pom poms and surprisingly without the aid of Jack Daniels.  Something tells me had a similar reaction during Obama’s speech last night.  This was game one.  Enjoy the season and learn how to swing a folding chair like a man.

Just when you ran out of reasons to hate all things Philly.  Michael Vick is back.  I really do not have a problem with a guy paying his debt to society and going after the best job he can find.  My problem is that the Eagles had to step up and welcome him back.  He didn’t kill anybody like Dante Stallworth but at least Stallworth is remorseful.  You can see that in his interview and I feel bad for the guy.  He deserves every bit of hard times and scorn that comes his way.  But at least he did not knowingly do this every day.  Michael Vick knew exactly what he was doing.  He was not impaired.  He was not remorseful.  He knew that his cousins took people’s pets and taped their mouths shut to get his pit bulls ready.  He knew that if the dog wasn’t vicious enough they would have to be put down.  He knew that if a dog is maimed too bad.  So Philly, don’t give me that crap about Vick now feels bad and wished it didn’t happen when he could have stopped it anytime.  I just can’t wait until Mcnabb one hops his next pass and you boo the hell out of him and cheer the Dog Killer.  Here is to DWare breaking him in half and making him fall back on his Va. Tech education.

What the hell?  I’m just surprised Richard Simmons or Tony Little hasn’t endorsed this yet.

How in the hell is California broke when you have clear leadership like this in your local government?  I want to laugh at her but she seems sincere.  Her entire speech sounds like she is running for the 4th grade student council at Bayside.  I will say this.   This girl gets hotter by the second.  Every um and ended thought just does something for me.  If she dropped 20lbs, she would be your next morning host on Fox News.  Somebody may want  to let her  know about the Emancipation Proclamation but who cares.  She’s on the side of the country that doesn’t have slaves unlike you dirty Philly people.  She was a bit Socialist with her idea for free food but she did mention that she wanted to pay the farmers but not the land and then sell the fruits and vegetables from the trees at the farmers market.  The sad thing about this is that there is some poor guy who has to listen to this every night when he gets home.   She should really consider moving to a small state that is freezing cold and run for Governor.  I think Alaska has an opening.

Just when you thought they ran out of ideas for shows.  VH1 brings us the TO show.  I was pretty much expecting a show that had TO running around with his shirt off and talking about people not understanding him.  You eagle fans can relax.  There were plenty of shots of him running around with his shirt off and some are in slow motion so you won’t even have to slow it down.  That will keep most Eagle fans busy for at least another month.  Other than that it may be a decent show.  The previews show him go through one woman after the other.  The only thing missing is the viking helmet and giant clock.  He is also shown going back and trying to talk to his father and a nice moment with his grandmother who raised him.  I am still confused about how Jerry Jones explained to him he was cut on a table cloth.  The show touches on that and you can see why he seems confused why he was cut when they ask him.  He seemed more hurt than angry but I can still see him releasing a sex tape with Jessica Simpson in a few months.   Overall, I will say give it a chance.

I really wanted a full off season to erase the bad taste from the Cowboys laying down against the Eagles.  This is close enough.  Tony Romo finally backed the dump truck up on Jessica Simpson.  I normally would take the time to blame Simpson for basically ruining the last two seasons but I am not.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m happy that her idiot family has been removed from the scene.  I am really questioning Tony Romo.  Keep in mind he sought her out and met with Joe Simpson first to arrange this.  He somehow manages to have two and a half years of conversations with Jessica which makes me question his intelligence.  He smashes her the night before her birthday and still sticks around Hollywood and hits the clubs.  It  seems like may be the attention whore in this whole thing.  That is fine if you win and take care of business in the off season.  He’s actually doing better than Super Bowl champ Ben Rothlesburg who is getting sued by a hotel maid for rape.  (I guess he is not doing any Super 8 endorsements but he should know you don’t get that kind of service for 39 bucks) The jury is still out on Romo.  The whole season again depends on Romo and whether he would wants to be  in Sports Illustrated or Star Magazine.  We will see if he learned from this mess.  Beat the Giants, beat the Eagles, even the Rams and we’ll talk.

What a boring day in the sports world.  Some 90 year old man loses the British Open which proves what a “sport” it is.  I’m stuck watching Denise Richards try to convince people that she’s not a pain in the ass on E and failing miserably.  The Espys are on which are about as relevant as winning best kiss in the MTV movie awards.  The Espys?  This is nothing more than a excuse for guys to wear purple suits and convince the wife that they have to be in Vegas for an awards show.  I’d rather watch a 24 year old porn star win a lifetime achievement award in the AVN awards.

I think the whole thing that soured me is that the nations sports network just violated every code known to man.  Outside the Lines obtained a video from the night Pacman Jones decided to make it rain. Rappers,  NFL players, NBA players and a few WNBA girls were just throwing 10 grand in ones on the ground like it was confetti.  Strippers were on their hands and knees like little kids picking up candy from candy from a pinata.  Women in America can’t handle that.  They need to know that their old man only drops 20 bucks and isn’t really having a good time.  The only thing that saved the night were the strippers.  The girls on stage had a build like Jim Belushi.  I’ve seen skinnier girls going for 7ths at a Golden Coral buffet.  They just destroyed the myth of stripper aerobics.  That may be your saving grace ESPN.  Remember your demographic.  The next grainy video I want to see is the Erin Andrews peephole video.  Do us a service ESPN.

I’m sure many of you are aware by now, but if not, I will be the first to break the news to you.  Michael Jackson is dead.   I have not issued my official statement yet because I’m not really sure what to think.  MTV has cut away from their programming of teen whores who got knocked up to do a decent tribute.  It has been so long since the guy was in the news that you forget how talented he was which sucks for the guy but that is something he brought on himself.

OJ Simpson was a hall of fame running back.  He was found not guilty for killing his wife.  Barry Bonds is the home run king and he never tested positive for steroids.  Michael Jackson was never found guilty of sleeping with young boys.  The problem is that if you honestly ask yourself did he do something wrong with those boys, 99% will say yes.  I cannot overlook that and neither should anybody else no matter how much you want to bust out a thriller dance in your living room.

There are lessons to be learned from this.  The first is that you should never let young boys spend the night nor give them booze and porn.  That should be obvious.  The second lesson is that if you spend more than you make you will eventually run out of money and people will stop lending you money.  You will find yourself doing 50 concerts for some blokes overseas.  The final lesson is you should stop being weird.  Its pretty simple.  If Jackson followed these three lessons, he would be kicking back at Neverland Ranch doing whatever he wanted to do with money in the bank and respect.

Not a good week for Kung Fu fans or the Thailand Tourism Agency.  I’m not sure what the family of David Carradine was thinking when they disputed the early suicide reports.  You might have been better off by simply stating he was depressed over accidentally wasting 3 dollars on a tranny hooker and decided to end it.  Now you have the news of him doing who knows what with a rope and his deviant imagination.  Of course in Thailand this is considered dying of natural causes.  That is a messed up country but I’m sure this was not the strangest story of the day coming out of that place.  You freaks need to either get a spotter or a hooker with a little knot loosening experience.

Who said clowns are creepy?  Sure they scare little kids and freak out adults but does that make them creepy?  I have no idea what they are doing in this picture.  If you are going to carry a casket, you may want to use the somber face paint.  The guy in the red hair looks a little too happy right now to be putting Bozo in the ground.  I’m sure they have just traumatized another generation.  Nice going Clown.

Most movies involving Matthew McConaughey consist of him running around with his shirt off and going to a wedding.  This one broke the mold.  He somehow convinced Kate Beckinsale to join him in a movie in which he comes from a family of midgets, marries her and produces a midget baby.  How much weed was involved in that pitch?  All right Kate, I got this vision of me, you and a wedding but everybody on my side is little people and then we’ll get Gary Oldman to walk around on his knees.  Brilliant.  Just Keep on Livin.

Take that hippy.  Nobody wants you awkwardly groping them for free.  We are still a capitalistic country in which we prefer to pay for things.  I’m afraid he made more in the last hour than 99% of the people who just wasted their time reading this.  This could be a sign the economy is returning or people are just desperate for human contact.  Not really sure.

The 2009 NFL Draft is this weekend.  This is a great time if you are a football fan.  You can forget about your team choking in front of a third rate team in a forth rate state with fifth rate fans four months ago in Philly.  It is a great tradition to put aside the yard work.  Ignore your family and just sit on the couch and gaze at Mel Kipers’ helmet head for 9 hours.  To get you ready and in the right mindset, I have added the New York Jets draft blunders.

It is amazing that this franchise hasn’t won a Super Bowl since the 1960s.  Actually, it is pretty much to be expected.  You draft Ken O’Brian instead of Dan Marino.  Kyle Brady instead of Warren Sapp.  Blair Thomas instead of Emmitt Smith.  Dave Kadigan instead of Michael Irvin.  Two tight ends and a full back later you have nothing to show for this.  The sad thing is that if you just let your own fans up in the nose bleeds run your draft, you’d probably have three Super Bowls.  Sure, they have bad mustaches and terrible grooming habits but you cannot tell me these guys wouldn’t pull a Pro Bowl player out every round.

Here is my pick for you Jets fans.  Rey Mauluga LB USC.  He should be there at 17 and he will light people up for the next 7 years.

I realize that most who come to this site have probably never seen a business card and probably have no idea why people use them.  I will try to explain it to the fine people of Kentucky.  A business card is similar to your mom writing her name and number on the Texaco men’s bathroom wall except it conveys a little more class then that.  I have brought the world’s greatest infotainer, Joel Bauer, on board to explain the proper use of the business card.  Enjoy.

I’ll admit that I was a bit nervous watching Kevin Gregg close and Derek Lee struggle to bat Karen Carpenter’s weight.  Not anymore.  I would like to thank the ghost of Harry Caray for finally putting an end to this ridiculous curse.  Hopefully, they found an open flame to finish that goat off once and for all.  Go Cubs Go.

HBO is running a documentary about the Ali-Frazier Thrilla in Manila fight this Saturday.  There has been plenty said about it so I want to move on and highlight Sutherland/Rainford I.   Brian Sutherland was a self described street fighter from South Carolina.  After seeing this pathetic display, I’m pretty sure he is doing his own dishes and picking up after himself.  Even Rihanna would probably not be scared to tell him he missed his exit on the interstate.  You would think that a state like South Carolina could put out a few decent street fighters.  I’m calling the people of South Carolina out.  What do you have to say for yourselves?

(Editors note. This fight video has circulated around the internet.  I am the one person who went the extra mile and found the English version.  Don’t be fooled by the cheap ripoffs in which they speak Canadian.)

Bruce Willis finally got his revenge.  He’s been putting up with all of those stupid you got punked jokes for the last five years.  The guy has handled the entire Ashton/Demi thing with class.  He just set back and took it all in and said nothing.  This weekend Bruce Willis got his revenge.  Take a look at Emma Hemming.  He pretty much picked her out of a modeling agency, casted her in his movie and married her.  That is how you do it Ashton.  She’s 30 years old and smoking hot and he’s 54.

Don’t get me wrong.  Demi Moore looks great for her being in her 50’s.  She’s also a cheap date as you can get the Senior discount at Denny’s.  Too bad you have to eat dinner at 4:00 pm.  The greatest part is that Ashton is also raising the teenage daughters for Bruce while he is hitting that.  You really punked him Ashton.

There is nothing I hate more than the experts and jackasses in your office scrambling to see who is playing this year and then giving you their picks.  Ask them to name 5 college basketball players.  I will bet money they can not name two.  That being said I can name 3 players and one of them is named the white guy from North Carolina.

Here are my picks for today.  In the early games,  I will take the North Carolina Tarheels to beat the crappy school that nobody cares about by about 50 and then have UConn ass rape the Tennessee-Chatahoga by 60+.  The rest will be early scares but the favorites should win in all of them.  Don’t be tempted on BYU.  (Spoiler Alert) They are all white.

As for the Final Four.  Give me Pittsburgh, Carolina, Memphis and Lville.  Yes, it is boring.  I like Pitt over Memphis in the finals.  I searched for at least 10 minutes looking for a hot Pitt cheerleader for the article and as you can see I had to improvise.  Yes Kentucky, I know the girl is holding a football.  Leave me alone.  If anybody can find a hot pic of a Pitt cheerleader that does not look like the offspring of Dan Marino, please send it to me.  That guy must have ran through half the women in college.

Keep coming back.  I will somewhat live blog the games this week.  Let me hear who you got.

Nicolas Cage plays a MIT professor with Tourettes (Why?) who discovers a piece of paper full of numbers that allows him to predict major disasters in the movie Knowing.  The trailer shows the world exploding so I guess he does not figure it out in time.  Sorry…I left out Spoiler Alert before typing that last sentence.   But I really did not watch this movie and will never see it so my review is just based upon all of the other crap movies that Hollywood is throwing at us and my ability to see the future.

Keeping in the spirit of Knowing, let’s see if you can figure this number sequence out:  8.50 5.25 6.75 20.50.  That is the cost of a ticket, coke, pop corn and total amount wasted on this crap.  Cage will play the exact same “intense” character he plays in every movie except this time they throw in math.  Most of this country is too stupid to give me the correct change at McDonalds so they have nailed the target audience of nobody.

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I’m too upset to comment on the TO release but I did find some encouraging news.  Former Cowboy Pac Man Jones rained down an ass whipping on some scrub during the filming of Pros vs Joes.  I am assuming that Pac is on the Pros side but you never know.  According to random internet reports, he lost it when a guy hit him out of bounds.  Why do people always screw with him.  Pac is always in game shape and ready to go.  It doesn’t matter if you are an off duty cop assigned to protect him, a lazy stripper who wants her 25 bucks after going through the motions to a Nine Inch Nails song or just some random dude that blocks his sight line to the main stage.  Pac Man will go off.  I am really ready for him to come back when the Cowboys need that extra db after TNew pulls his hammy for the tenth time next season.  Don’t let up Pac Man.

I am not a comic book geek but I do have interest in the new Watchmen movie.  No idea what it is about or who is in it.  I assume they are a group of crime fighters.  Here is a nice clip of two of the watchmen.  You get a drunken Adam West aka Batman and wrestling great Jerry “The King” Lawler.  I’m still confused by all of this.

I’ll be the first to admit that I really do not care about women’s sports.  Sure Anna Karakova or whatever her name was had a nice run in tennis but was she really that hot?  It is not that hard to stand out against Martina Navratralova, Billie Jean King and the Williams Brothers.

Biba Golic may change the perception of women’s athletics.  I first discovered her during the ESPN commercial that never stops but I think she has something.  More important is the fact that I think she is also a real person.  Sure her sport is played mainly in garages and YMCA basements but it technically is still a sport.  I imagine ESPN2 will be covering ping pong this summer.  Is ping pong politically correct or is it table tennis?

Former New Orleans Saints running back Deuce McAllister filed for bankruptcy today because he owes Nissan 6.6 million.   For some idiotic reason Deuce thought it would be a good idea to invest 6 million in a car lot in Mississippi.  No offense to my friends in the South but are you really ready for a car dealership?  I’m betting that the handful of people who drive cars in Mississippi choose between a Ford F150 or the  Chevy Truck.  Nissan’s just do not handle well on dirt roads.    Note to Deuce.  You may also want to close your Yacht dealership in Kentucky and your Gulfstream showroom in Kansas.  While you are at it, the people of Iowa do not need that uppity Wendy’s you built.  Just put your money in your savings account or invest in your rims.  Stop being the Donald Trump of Mississippi.

The Internet is reporting that Rihanna has weathered the first round beating she took from Chris Brown and is back for Round 2.  What the hell is this girl thinking?  Is she now taking relationship advice from the producers of Cops?  Here is a little hint for you Rhianna.  He’s just not into you.    You need to move on while you can.

As for the girlfriend beater pictured above in a wife beater, his career is over.  Most people have no idea who that douchebag is and still hate him.  America hates guys that smack their girlfriends.  You never saw Al Bundy come home from a rough day at work and slug Peggy Bundy’s cigarette out of her mouth.  Mike Brady never took a swing at his old lady for having all those kids.  It is pretty simple.

That being said.  Here is some relationship advice from Kige Ramsey.

Just in case you ever want to rob the Wild Man’s Country Store in Hartsville, don’t mess with Kelly Simpson.  The Wild Man can take a lug wrench to the skull and still pop a cap in you.  Granted he tried to shot the guy in the face and ended up shooting 2 holes in his own window.  You still do not mess with Wild Man.  Let this be a warning.

I actually did not watch the Oscars last night.  Megan Fox was not nominated for Chairman of the Board 2 so it really wasn’t worth watching.  The movie Slumdog Millionaire did win.  No, it was not the Pac Man Jones biopic.  It was about a kid that works in a call center and charms snakes or whatever.  Thank you India for finding something else to outsource.  Congratulations to Sean Penn who won for his portrayal of Justin Timberlake.  Nobody outside of Vermont has actually watched it but good job Penn.

The main thing that I got out of last night was that Toby Keith waited too late to introduce his fashion line.  The stars were way too uptight.  You did not see Meryl Streep in a dress with a dragon, pitbull or eagle stitched across the back.   Or Brad Pitt wearing a tuxedo with a rhinestone rattlesnake playing a banjo. Toby Keith will change things.   His line, TK Steelman, relies heavily on the folded straw cowboy hat, bandana, no shirt, and leather wrist bands.  It sucks that TK Steelman did not make it in time for the Academy Awards but luckily for me it will be out by prom season.  We did not have fashion designers like Toby Keith when I was in high school years ago.  This prom year may be my year.

The Buffalo Bills sent their cheerleaders (The Jills) to Iraq to visit the troops.  They did a great job cheering on the Bills to all of those Super Bowl victories in the 90s.  What better place to send them then to Iraq?  The girl in the above picture might try playing a little harder to get.  This isn’t the La Quinta lobby in Up State New York.  You are in freaking Baghdad.  Women in Iraq get their heads cut off for showing too much eyelash.  Unless, Uday or Qusay Hussein show back up, you might want to tone it down a little in the hotel lobby.  You don’t have to advertise like you are going out of business on President’s Day.  Just sit there with your legs crossed and guys will approach you.  Women at the Bunny Ranch are more modest than that.

I’ll give Arod credit.  He admitted today that he used roids back when he played for the Rangers.  Not a huge surprise considering the fact that just about every player on that team was roiding.  The Rangers had more testosterone flowing through that locker room than a Monsters of Rock concert.  The crazy part was they still finished last.  I don’t understand how that happens.  Those are your Rangers though.

What surprises me is that he could not figure out a way to cycle his roids into October when he played for the Yankees.  The dude ended up batting .150 in the post season.  Now he has to do it on his own because he will get tested every other day.  There is no way in hell he is going to pass a performance enhancing test while he’s banging Madonna.  Look at that freak.  No way sharing body fluids with her will help him pass his test.  Arod might as well screw Lou Ferrigno in his prime instead of Madonna.  At least he’d have less testosterone running through his veins afterwards.

First, I have no idea who Chris Brown is other than the fact that he just got the cuffs slapped on him.  I assume he is a singer and not a rapper.  If he is a rapper, he needs to work on his rappy name.  Chris Brown is the name of the guy who is about to lose his job at Circuit City not some hard core rapper.  I do give him props for trying to give himself some street cred but if you are going to go that route try leaving your female out of it.  You are at the Grammys.  Just pick the most feminine guy there.  I’m sure you could find Justin Timberlake.  He’d go down with a jab faster than Elton John.  That’s not going to earn you respect on my streets but you’d get your name in the press.  You should have just told the police she hit her eye on the coffee table playing Wii.  Not that smacking Rihanna doesn’t get you some name recognition.  Anyway, I now have heard of you so mission accomplished.  You, Chris Brown, receive the first Ike award for the 2009 year.  Not exactly a Grammy but it is still an award.

Who said used car dealers are sleazy?  This pimp actually uses his 8 year old daughter in the same 30 second ad that he uses real life Augusta, Georgia prostitutes.  If that is the quality of the hookers in Augusta, then you can probably save a few bucks and go with the Hyundai.  No need to try and impress these hoes by going big league with a Chrysler.  However, Syphilis is probably easier to get off of leather seats than cloth seats.  Dance!

This years Super Bowl commercials pretty much sucked.  How hard is it to put a Victoria Secret model in a bikini for 30 seconds?  That formula always seems to work.  If you are that low on money, just give Johnny Knoxville a ramp, a bottle of Jim Beam and a box of Russian fireworks.  He would not disappoint you.  Instead it was the same boring corporate marketing.

One commercial did stand out this year.  Big Ol’ Jon’s Car Lot really captured the country’s imagination.  Big Ol’ Jon is pretty much doing everything but date raping big city prices.  Enjoy.

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Big weekend for the sports fan.  You had better enjoy this weekend to the fullest because there are absolutely no more sports on tv for months.  These picks are for entertainment purposes only.  Do not blame me when Luther is laying a pipe wrench to your kneecaps.  Here we go:

UFC: Penn vs GSP. This is the toughest fight to call in a long time.  GSP is heavily favored and should come in 15lbs larger than Penn.  If he can counter Penn’s jab, then it is going to be along night for BJ.  I’m hoping BJ can land a big shot and then submit the dirty Canadian.  I just do not see it happening.  GSP will take Penn down early and often and just overwhelm him with knees and elbows on the ground.  My prediction is GSP by ref stoppage in the 4th round.

Bonus pick.  Give me Clay Guida over Nate Diaz in what will be the most exciting fight of the night.  These guys will put on a show for three rounds but I see Guida winning a close decision.

Jennifer Hudson with the Over.  I have no idea who she is.  That is why she is going to sing the anthem as long as she possibly can.  The only concern is her cardio.  She does not appear to be able to take it much longer than 2 minutes but I think she sucks it up and delivers with a 2:14 anthem.  Easy money.

Take Santonio Holmes at 2/1 to be the first player to get arrested.  This will happen within 9 days after the Superbowl with a drunk and disorderly charge along with a minor weed possession.

Pittsburgh Steelers win easily.  The line is somewhere between 6 and 7.  It will not matter.  I see this being an easy victory for the Steelers.  The front 7 will stop the run while also putting pressure on Warner.  I would like for Warner to succeed but I see him turning the ball over at least 4 times with one going back for a TD.  The Steeler corners are not great but they will get safety help on LF, which will take him out of the game.  Do not under estimate the Cardinals’ defense but I think the Pitt defense and special teams turn this into a blowout.  My final Prediction.  Steelers 27 Cardinals 13

How did this video escape me for the last 24 years?  Grocery brokers from the South in a rap video from 1985? Come on.  Why haven’t I heard of this?   I am guessing it is because rap music was illegal in the south until a few years ago.  You need to fight past the first 20 seconds and you will thank me.  I have not decided which rapper is my favorite.  I love Charlie Carlson throwin it down at :48 or Jesse Franklin pimping his nuts at 1:40.  I think my favorite part is thugged out James Falls telling you to go to hell at 2:43.  Make no mistake James Falls is not here to coo and cuddle.

That didn’t take long.  Star Magazine is reporting that Tony went to a party with the kid E from Entourage and some nobody from the MTV show the Hills.  (Is that not the Axis of Douchebags?)  He ended up bringing the party back to Jessica’s house and banged a chic upstairs in Jessica’s bed.  Star does not say if Jessica was in the bed at the time. This could have been a failed menage a trois with a dumb chic that barely speaks English, let alone French.

I called Romo out for not showing any drive or leadership skills.  Romo, I was wrong.  You may not care about winning football games or the Super Bowl but when Jessica puts on 50 lbs look out.  You finally find something to care about.   You could have subtly told Jess to slow down with the cheese fries.  Maybe bring home a scale or something classy like that.  No, you did it the old fashioned way which is to bang another chic the moment she breaks a sweat while eating breakfast.  Where was that killer instinct in December when the Eagles destroyed you?  I don’t care.  You now have the eye of the tiger.  I can’t wait for training camp.  Troy Aikman never had this problem.  Go Cowboys.

Click here to see why he cheated.

After the overwhelming response from yesterdays report on Mireya Grisales  (Click Here),  I wanted to provide equal time to Inez Sainz.  She is the sports reporter from Telemundo.  When you look like her, you can just carry around a tape measure.  Poor Robin Roberts is somewhere trying to land an exclusive with the grounds crew.  While Ms. Sainz is interviewing any player she wants.  I’m not sure why we have not figured this out in America.  God Bless Telemundo.  Here is a bonus pic of Inez because it is Super Bowl Week.

Once again, we have to let Mexico show us how to do things.  That young lady at Media day is Mireya Grisales.  She is the sports reporter from either Azteca or Telemundo.  You probably did not recognize the fact that she is a journalist because she is not dressed like the American sports reporters.  In Mexico, they keep things very simple.  Take a good look.  You have high heels, a mini skirt, and a half shirt.  The kneepads and the number 69 are thrown in for the slower viewers.  You get the idea.  In America, we have our women reporters dress as if they just closed a real estate deal for Century 21.  They lower their voices just to make sure you don’t get the wrong idea about their integrity.  Who is a bigger hit during media day?  (1) Michelle Tafoya drilling a back up guard about blitz pick ups or (2) Mireya Grisales just bouncing around.  I think I’ll go with numero dos on that one.

(Click Here) for Telemundo Weather girls

I know this is Super Bowl week.  Why am I talking about girl’s basketball?  Nobody gives a damn about the WNBA but girl’s high school may finally generate some interest.  Many of you have heard about The Covenant School beating Dallas Academy 100-0 last week in a girls high school basketball game.  What makes this even better is that The Covenant School is a private Christian school and Dallas Academy has a total of 20 girls in the entire school with 8 on their team.  Dallas Academy specializes in students with learning disabilities.  If you are ever going to show mercy on a team, Dallas Academy is the team you call off the dogs.  Covenant coach Micah Grimes would have made both OJ and Michael Vick proud.  Not only did he keep his foot on the throat, he refused to apologize after the game.  He was also fired on Monday.  I guess it is now unacceptable to run a full court press when you are up 59-o at the half.  Or is it?

I know these are 16 year old girls with learning disabilities but Grimes showed me something.  Do you think Wade Phillips would have kept the pressure up at 82-0?  He does not have that kind of killer instinct.  Micah Grimes humiliated a group of 16 year old girls while coaching a Christian school.  Think what he would do to the Giants if he had totally control of the Dallas Cowboys.  We need a coach that will go for the throat and is not scared to traumatize a girls high school team to get his respect.  Sorry Wade.  I found your replacement.

Wow.  While Tony Romo is choking playoff games, his girl is choking down Big Macs.  That person in the picture above is not Meatloaf.  That is the girl who ruined the Cowboys season with a little help from her douchebag boyfriend.  I do not know where to start on this one.  First, people will not notice your giant tits when you have a beer gut bigger than a dude that installs mufflers.   Second, why in the hell are you wearing two belts?  Those granny elastic waisted pants are going nowhere.  Two belts are a bit much.  You are dating the QB of America’s Team not Jared.  Get yourself together.  Talk to Kige Ramsey about catching Anorexic.  (Click Here)

I’m not trying to be mean.  I hated the no talent retard when she was skinny.  This is a wake up call for you Romo.   If this does not make you leave that idiot to concentrate on winning a freaking playoff game, then I don’t know what will.  Do the right thing.

When did this happen?  Like every other football fan, I have not watched any Arizona Cardinals football.  The last time I saw Brenda Warner was during the 2001 Superbowl.  She looked like an older version of Detlef Schrempf.  Now she’s stopped going to Kurt’s barber and looks like she may have busted out with some implants.  She’s also doing what I recommend for any average to below average girl.  Find a big woman and put her in a tank top.  Then make her go wherever you go.  Please have the common decency of letting her ride in the car with you.  It looks bad to have your QB husband force her in the trunk.

H8torade has a video that should put an end to you wannabe solid gold dancers.  I dare you not to look at this trainwreck.

Click here is the Link

While we are at it.  Here is a nice shot of some girl from the new 90210 showing us what happens when you run with a loose top and no bra.

Click here…Unless you work for Penthouse it is not safe for work

I’m guessing most of you who visit our site do not follow politics.  We are here for you.  The votes are counted and Obama won today.  There you go.  More importantly, we get four years of the Obama Girl.  I can probably be cool with about 4 months before I get tired of her but she brings hope.  Hope to all young pageant girls who thought that they peaked in life when they won the 2003 Miss NYC Hawaiian Tropic pageant.  Hope to any hot chic who can put on a bikini and has at least dial up access.  Hope to me that an 85 year old Hugh Hefner can find it in his heart to let her pose nude for him.  Today is all about hope.  Tomorrow is about change.  I am hoping the Obama girl changes out of that bikini and hits the March issue of Playboy for me.  Keep hope alive and always believe in change.

I’m not sure if this was the dream that Martin Luther King talked about 45 years ago.  Joaquin Phoenix has pretty much lost it and is now a rapper.  He looks like he is channeling Jim Morrison and Rufus the Stunt Bum from Bumfights.  I’m going to give him and any of you other aspiring rappers some free advice.  If you were cast as Johnny Cash who is as white as they come, you are not suited for the rap world.    You are a great actor but please leave the rapping to guys like Kevin Federline.  Just stop walking the line with your right nostril and we will forget about this.  Thank you.

The man was scared to death not to let him take today off.  I plan on enjoying the holiday by catching Notorious.  For those of you not in the rap scene, this movie is about Notorious B.I.G aka Biggie aka Biggie Smalls aka Christopher Wallace.  This is actually getting good reviews despite the fact that PDiddy is involved.  Word of advice for my suburban white readers.  If you are scared to go, stay at home.  If it is not showing in your neighborhood movie theater then just wait until it comes out on dvd excuse me blu ray (Did not mean to disrespect).  I was able to score a clip of the movie.  After watching this, I think I need 17 shells so I make it understood.   Watch and you’ll understand.

The XTC Cabaret is set to open this week in Dallas.  As most of you know, we do things the right way in Texas.  The Cabaret is a two story, 25,000 square foot strip joint that comes complete with luxury sky boxes.  I am not sure if they have a ring of honor but that stripper in the picture above may be the first name inducted.  She is obviously a two sport athlete.  The term duel threat in the stripper world can now mean something other than a girl with both syphilis and herpes.  Nice  job lady.

I have a larger question that I want answered.  XTC Cabaret is billing itself as the largest all nude strip club in Texas.  My question is what is the difference between all nude, totally nude, fully nude and just good old fashioned nude.  Can they not just say nude?  Is there another level of nudity?  I really want this answered.

World’s Best Ass (Click Here)

First, I have no idea if this girl is 18 or not.  I assume she is 21 but if not I apologize to our deviant readers with legal problems.  Just let your neighbors know it may not be your fault this time and step back 200 yards from your computer.  Everything will be fine. The female above is Casey Carlson who is generating buzz for being on American Idol.

I guess American Idol has changed up the formula and decided to let hot girls on the show.  There is really not any ground left for this show to cover.  They have exploited every mentally retarded person outside of the Manning family.  Even Michael Bolton is embarrassed for the confused Kansas kid belting out the Motown classics.   I applaud American Idol for now doing what they should have done all along.  No more Clay Aiken, no more fat guy, no more ugly girl, no more the other guy, or that girl or any of the other nameless singers who won.  Bring on the swimsuits.  What is more American than exploiting hot college girls?  I may actually watch the show for the first time now.  Probably not but it is a step in the right direction.

Nice job US Airways.  You lucked out that your pilot, Chesley Sullenberger III, knew what the hell he was doing.  He is a hero and all of that but come on.  How can a 5lb bird knock your 747 out of the air?  This is not a Looney Toones episode.  Your 800k lb plane was disabled because a bird flew into it.  I run into pigeons while jogging all the time and it never causes me to break stride except when I am hungry.  We are not talking about a Stinger Missile.  A freaking bird did this.  (Note to our Al Qaeda readers…You cannot train pigeons) I’m not an aerospace engineer but maybe you should put some chicken wire outside of your engine.  Your average Arkansas  farmer can show you how that works.  You never know when a bird is going to come out of nowhere.  This is why I only fly on my Gulfstream.

Don’t forget the other reason not to fly commercial.  (Click Here)

Last post kind of bored me.  This one is so much better and timely.  Lil’ Bill debates Barney Frank on the financial crisis.  If you do not like Lil’ Bill, then you do not like America.

There is breaking news out of New Jersey tonight.  The boy known as Little Adolph Hitler and his sisters were removed from their idiot parents by the Child Protection Agency.  Personally, I think they should have let the French get another crack at removing Hitler but what can you do.  I’m not sure what took the authorities so long to figure this one out.  The younger sisters were named Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler.  Why did it take them three years?  There was no reason for the removal given but we can assume that it is because of the names and the fact that the parents are idiots.  That should be a good enough reason to remove a kid.  We should give them free reign on this stupid new celebrity baby naming trend.  Can we now put Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz on notice?  Let’s see stupid name (check) and idiot parents (check).   Don’t worry Bronx Mowgli Wentz.  Help is on the way.

What is up with Kansas City’s Health Care these days?  Carolyn Ragan went to her doctor for an MRI on her spine.  The hospital referred her to the Kansas City Zoo for the MRI machine that they use for the caged animals.  Ouch.  I think the doctor may need to work on his bedside manner a tad bit.   Do not get me wrong.  Ragan dresses out at 5 foot 275lb, which is great if you are a high school nose tackle.  But sending her to the zoo?  That is somewhat harsh.  I am not a doctor or radiologist but I could have solved her problem without comparing her to a baby rhino.  Do you need a freaking MRI machine when a polaroid would do the trick?  See this picture.  Your spine is hurting because you are carrying around an adult male all day.  Go lose 175lbs and  you will be fine.  Have a nice day.  Not that hard Kansas City.

Editors Note: I did not have a picture of Carolyn Ragan or the Kansas City Zoo MRI.  I compromised with Zooey Deschanel.  Close enough.

What do you get for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat?  If you are 18-year-old Margarito de Jesus Galindo, you just bought the 14 year old daughter of 36-year-old Marcelino de Jesus Martinez.  Unfortunately for Galindo, the transaction went down in Greenfield, California where they tend to frown on things such as underage marriage, statutory rape and human trafficking.  The police were called when Martinez did not get his cash and prizes.  That is right.  Martinez called the police himself to complain that he wanted his daughter back when he did not get his payment.  The police actually admitted this goes on all the time in Greenfield.

Editors Note:  I realize this is Selma Hayek and it has nothing to do with the story.  Or does it?  No, I am trying to put a positive spin on this story.

We have a new frontrunner for the 2009 Man of the Year.  Meet Paul Brooks, a 30 year old professional videographer, who may have pulled off the greatest wedding ever.   Paul met 21 year old Australian Caragh Brooks through an internet dating service and within 6 months brought her to Normal, Illinois.  That in itself is a huge feat.  Think about it.  You videotape people for a living in a Midwest town of 50,000 people and somehow land a hot 21 year old blond from Australia.  Just the fact that she does not have that annoying Midwest accent is a score itself.  He is then able to convince this girl to marry him once she arrives.  Life just cannot get better for that guy.

Most people would be happy just with landing a hot 21 year old.  Paul takes this to the next level.  He convinces this girl to marry him at a freaking Taco Bell.  She buys a dress for $15 and they buy their rings for $80.  Taco Bell being Taco Bell still charged people for their cheap crap but the entire wedding cost him under $200.  Think about this when your fiance wants you to write a check for 25 large this June.

Click here for the 2008 Marriage Proposal for the Year.

What the hell?  When did this happen?  I know the guy lost about a half billion dollars but surely he did not eat it.  Mike Tyson faught for the heavy weight championship of the world five years ago and now he is nothing more than a heavy bag.  I am neither a nutritionist nor a psychologist, but can somebody prescribe Iron Mike some Diet Prozac.  How many carbs are in Ritalin?  Is he taking the chocolate covered Paxil?  Unless he is in training for an eating contest, dude needs to get in his road work and maybe work in a situp.

Final note for Mike Tyson.  Please do not take this the wrong way.  If you do get angry and want to find me, I always wear either my Eli Manning Jersey or my Philadelphia Eagles shirt.  I also always wear my Yankee cap.  If it is backwards, then it means I want to throw down.  If you see me, feel free to try me.  Bring it Fatty.

Economist John Maynard Keynes’ General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money conjectured that the average propensity to consume would fall as income rises.  Thus, people with higher incomes would not spend at the same rate as their income rises, which results in a greater rate of savings for the wealthy.  Kige Ramsey’s Great Value Theory disputes this notion.  Ramsey believes that you should always consume Wal-Mart’s Great Value products to increase your rate of savings even at a lower level of income, which provides a higher rate of savings for a lower paid individual.  His lecture discusses this in greater depth.

There is not a single fat person who hasn’t heard of the Legend of Jared.  I thought he finally went away but Subway is now back to using that douchebag.  I’m going to put this in the most simplistic terms for you clowns to understand.  Jared is the laziest fat person in history. Period.  The only reason he lost weight is because he was too damn lazy to drive down the street to McDonald’s.  If Wendy’s moved next door to him, he would dress out at 800 lbs.  Instead, his lazy ass would walk next door to Subway and eat that crap.  Honestly, how can your spokesperson be a guy who did nothing other than slowly starve himself to death.  This just tells me that your food is crap Subway.  A guy that eats himself to 425lbs cannot enjoy your food enough to gain weight by eating it.  Think about it Subway.  He hated your sandwiches so much that he lost 250lbs.  You suck Subway.  I would respect Jared’s weight loss if he went on the Biggest Loser and not eat crap that sucks.  Lose weight like a man Jared.

I have a video clip of Fighter A ripping the sweater off of Fighter B, who then mounts Fighter A and slaps Fighter A until they pull Fighter B off of Fighter A.   You are probably a bit turned on and can’t wait to watch this.  What do you think you will see:

1. Two girls going at during the finals of The Flava of Love
2. Louisiana girls going wild over some 15 cent beads
3. Old footage from Kobe Bryant’s’ prom night
4. A NHL fight between some guy named Semen and Mark Staal

If you said Hockey fight you are correct.  These two fruits never should have dropped their mittens.  I do not want another email or comment from any NHL fan telling me how tough these guys are compared to whatever sport.  I thought I was too hard on the NHL (Click Here) but these tough guys proved my point.  There is a very thin line between male figure skating and hockey.  How do you lose to a guy slapping you anyway? Clay Aiken would end both of them.  Happy Gilmore would have beheaded them but they went with the open handed slap.  Here is the video.  Enjoy.

I am not in any way a USC fan.  That being said.  Why would any player not want to go there?  You get to live like a king in LA, get away with murder, win 11 games a year and bang Paris Hilton if you feel like it.  Otherwise, you can just pick out any wannabe actress, model or student.  Do you really think Mark Sanchez would land that girl above if he chose Nebraska or Penn State?  You can ask any Chicago Bears receiver if they would rather play for USC or have Kyle Orton one hop passes to them in 14 degree weather and I promise you they’d choose USC.  If I could name a Bear receiver, I would ask him.

H8torade has the video to prove my point.  Rey Maualuga does some kind of Haka sex grind on the ass of Erin Andrews in front of the entire Rose Bowl crowd.  Where else can you get away with that?

Click here for the video.

It is finally here.  The world has been waiting for the 2008 TFPH Man of the Year which may be the most prestigious honor that we bestow on an individual.  My vote is tallied and here are the nominees.

1. Charles Barkley-  The Chuckster ended the year strong.   Not only does he give us a reason to stay up and watch Clipper games but he is also giving back to society.  Despite the poor economy he was still willing to hire a young lady at 3 in the morning.  How many new jobs did you create in 2009?  That is what I thought.
2. Barack Obama – Obama was named Time Magazine Person of the Year and becomes the first black President since William Mckinley.  He also inspired a Young Jeezy song that I cannot get out of my head.
3. World’s Fattest Man – Manuel Uribe dropped 700lbs and got married.  He also introduced us to the term sex ramp which conjures up images of Evil Knievel and the porn industry.  The only drawback is the profit margin from  Taco Bell declined 70% in direct correlation with his weight loss.
4. Artie Lange – 2008 was a tremendous roller coaster ride for Artie Lange.  He is the only reason to listen to the Stern show and became a best selling author with Too Fat to Fish.  The only thing slowing him down are cupcakes and heroin.

And the 2008 TFPH Man of the Year goes to….

Artie Lange.  Nobody is more entertaining on the late night talk shows than that baby gorilla.  He is a fifth of Jack Daniels away from sweeping the Trainwreck of the Year category (Click Here) but he managed to hold things together.  Let’s be thankful that they have not developed a cheese flavored heroin.  Here is Artie on Jimmy Kimmel.

I have attended thousands of sporting events over the years.  I will a accept the over priced tickets, $20 parking and the fact that the 12oz beer that I downed out of the wax cup cost me $9.   The one thing that I will not accept is the douchebag that uses a break in action to propose to his girlfriend.  It was original the first time.  We do not need you to profess your love during a 20 second time out.

The 2008 Marriage Proposal of the Year will hopefully put an end to this trend.   I love how the girl rejects this clown like she’s Akeem Olajawon in his prime.  I’m guessing she dis not want her marriage proposal to come with the stench of Dikembe Mutombo in the air.  Let this be a lesson.  Leave me out of your marriage proposals and you will not have Tracy McGrady laughing at you or have to be consoled by the team mascot.

Back to our 2008 Year End Awards.  We have already awarded the 2008 Cooking Show of the Year and I am not going to give you the TV Show of the Year.  I would like to welcome anybody without basic cable to a new world.  There is more to television programming than CSI on every network.  I can assure you that you will not see an autopsy on any of the 2008 nominees.

1. The Wire – Many of you do not understand the ghetto which means that this show may confuse you.  I have found that the ghetto drug dealers beat the big city crack prices.  The Wire allows you to converse with the “shot callas”  without sounding like you are from the suburbs.  This is HBO’s best show period.
2. The Shield – This is by far my favorite cop show.  Where else can you see a 5′2 bald tough guy regulating the streets of LA.  The Shield writers tossed the scripted cop show format and gave you something unique for 7 years.  Hard to believe this was on cable and not HBO.
3. Buona Dominca – America gives us Rosie O’Donnell variety shows (Click here) while Italy gives us Sara Varone.  I do not speak Italian so I have no idea what the hell they are talking about but the beauty of the show is that you do not need to know what the hell they are saying.
4. Always Sunny in Philadelphia – The best comedy show on TV by far.  Do not let the word Philadelphia in the title discourage you.  Yes it is about losers and yes the people are terrible but it works.  If you are not watching this, you deserve another decade of Friends.

And the winner is……
Buona Dominca.  This was a tough call.  I love all of these shows but Sara Varone makes this Youtube friendly.  Here is a nice clip of her on a surfboard machine and tiny dress.  The NBC equivalent would be Rosie on a forklift.  This why Italy is light years ahead of us.  Enjoy.

Attn Readers:

I’m sure most of you can agree with me that there is not enough hate in this world.  We are going to take care of that.  I am proud to announce that we are linking with our friends  at www.ThingsWhitePeopleHate.com .  Please take a few minutes and check out their site.  I promise you will have a good laugh.

Happy New Years

We would like to take this time to thank drugs, alcohol, stupidity, and mental illness for giving us the trainwrecks that we want to see.  This year’s field really went above and beyond for our entertainment.  Surprisingly, Tom Cruise, Brittany Spears and Pac Man Jones did not make the list.  Here are our Nominees for 2008 Trainwreck of the Year:

1. Kathy Griffin – You spent how much in plastic surgery to look like the prop comic?  Could you not have asked for the Megan Fox face?  She makes the list for her hacky comic comeback on live CNN.  She makes news by using a comeback that Carlos Mencia wouldn’t steal.
2. Amy Winehouse – Let the girl enjoy her crack.  She has found something she loves and people should leave her alone.  I’m the first blogger ever not to insert a Rehab reference in regards to Amy.  We look forward to 2009.
3. Gary Busey – Can somebody tell me why he does not have a reality show?  Most people do not have the longevity it takes to reach the Busey level.   Brittney tried but just couldn’t pull it off.  Keep it coming Busey.
4. Jake The Snake Roberts – How is this guy still alive?  The Snake proves that you can do as much coke, heroin, meth and crack as humanly possible and still wrestle in Jr. High gyms at 53.  His Youtube clip in September reinforced his standing as America’s Sweetheart.

The Winner of the 2008 Trainwreck of the year is…..

Gary Busey.  I’m not sure if it is drugs, mental illness or not wearing a helmet but he takes this baby home.  When you check into Celebrity Rehab and have Jeff Conway say you are not right, then you are a winner in my book.  Here is Gary Busey at the 2008 Grammy’s.

2008 was a great year for the fight world.  The UFC and Boxing really gave us some great violence.  We would like to recognize the Fighter of the Year.  Here are the nominees:

1. Anderson Silva – The UFC 185lb champ was dominate as ever.  The Spider is running out of ways to destroy people.  He is also running out of people to beat up in the division.
2. Manny Pacquiao - The Lightweight Champ finished Oscar De La Hoya for an easy paycheck.  This sets up a great fight with Floyd Mayweather in 09.  The Pac-man is brutal.
3. Larry Johnson -  The 120lb Women’s Champ won and defended his title in two separate Kansas City bar fights.  Unfortunately for the Kanas City Chiefs, the Ladies Man did not bring the same intensity to the football field.  How is he not in prison?
4. Gina Carano -  The 155lb Women’s Champ proved that she’s not another pretty face and ass.  She beat more women in 2008 than Ike Turner.  Hopefully, she’ll drop down in class and destroy Larry Johnson.  She is really tough in the full mount position.

And the winner is….

Anderson Silva.  He is on another level right now.  Silva has cleaned out the 185 division and could easily take the 205 title.  Here is a quick demonstration of the pimp elbow.

The Food Network has replaced late night Cinemax for the fatty community.  For some reason, it is more socially acceptable to watch 14 hours straight of the Food Network then Scramblevision .  We are here to honor the accomplishments of the great TV chefs with the 2008 Cooking Show of the Year.  The nominees are:

1. Boy Meets Grill – Bobby Flay combines two of my favorite elements with his use of fire and meat.  Flay cooks like a man is supposed to cook which is outdoors and on a grill.
2. 30 Minute Meals – Rachel Ray answers the question that everybody has asked once in their lives.  What would happen if the Joker and the Penguin had a baby?  It would be none other than Rachel Ray.  One last thing Rachel, Nutrish is not a w0rd you idiot.
3. Paula’s Home Cooking -  Paula Dean knows how to use the basic food groups of butter, bacon, grease and chocolate.  Her recipes have killed more dumb Southerners then rabid raccoon and hunting accidents combined.  Ladies, she should be your role model in the kitchen.
4. Denise Milani Cooking – Denise Milani uses all of her skills in the kitchen to deliver a fantastic cooking show.  Ladies, she should be your role model in all rooms of the house and the front/back yard if the neighbors are not around.

And the winner is……

Denise Milani with her Salad with Some Breasts of Chicken recipe.  I am not sure if English is her first language.  She may be from Italy or may be a product of the Oklahoma public school system but who cares.  The show does a great job of using the overhead camera angle around 5:10 and she gets rid of that restricting apron around 8 minutes.  Congratulations to Denise on her victory.

Its time that we recognize those that had the courage to take the hamburger further than the normal 3 patties and 8 pieces of bacon that most of us enjoy as a pre dinner snack.  Here are the nominees for the best hamburger of 2008.

1. Australia’s Hungry Jack : Quad Stack- Apparently the Australians are good for something other than Elle Macpherson and Arnold Schwarzenegger.  4 patties, 4 pieces of cheese, bacon 71g of fat….and pure love.

2. Hardee’s Thickburger – From the company that brought us Paris Hilton in a bikini cleaning a car, which I think is exactly where she should stay, we have the Thickburger.  Two things set this beast apart from other burgers.  “Butter Flavored Shortening”  and Hardee’s CEO quote “This isn’t a burger for tree huggers”  God bless you Hardee’s

3. The Krispy Kreme Burger -As I type this I just got a tear in my eye.  Whoever decided to take a bacon cheeseburger and slap it between two Krispy Kreme donuts maybe the American of the year.  Some may say this is over the top, I say this is why God invented heart transplants.

And the winner is…………….The Krispy Kreme Burger

I can see it now…”Shit! the bun got soggy on the way home from Jack in the Box, I knew I should have gone ahead and eaten the third Ultimate Cheeseburger in the car.  Wait a minute…I still have that box of donuts I stole from work on Friday.  Eureka! “

We are moving on to the 2008 Musical Performance of the Year.  It was not a great year for music but I managed to find a few acts who did better then the rest.  Here are the nominees.

1. Coldplay – Viva La Vida.  Not a big fan of this song.  I think it was because I like Ricky Martin’s Living La Vida Loca better.
2. Lil’ Wayne – Mrs. Officer.  Great sequel to the NWA song.  Nice to hear a romantic rap that does not involve a 187 on a lady cop.
3. Will.I.Am- Yes We Can.  Genius song to put Obama’s speech to music.  Almost as eloquent as Toby Keith’s We’ll put a boot in your ass song.
4. Hall & Oates – She’s Gone.  Title pretty much sums  it up for you.  I’m not sure if she left Hall, Oates or both but she’s probably not coming back.

And the 2008 Musical Performance of the Year goes to………

Hall & Oates.  This video is something that you need to see.  I have analyzed this frame by frame like the Zapruder film.  Hall is higher than a giraffes’ testicle and has no idea that he may want to put some effort into lip syncing.  He actually smokes during his “singing”.  Oates is dressed in a Chippendale’s outfit for no reason.  The choreography consists of a woman walking across the stage followed by a devil a few seconds later.  They both keep forgetting that the devil cues them to throw fake money.  The budget for this entire video could not have been more than 14 bucks which includes the smokes.    Words cannot describe how great this is.  Enjoy.

Our next category is the 2008 Loser of the Year.  This was a tough category to narrow.  We have so many losers to choose from but I have managed to give you the very worst.  Here are the nominees for the 2008 Loser of the Year.

1. Starbucks – A rough economy and the fact that McDonalds taught their employees to pour water into a machine spells doom for the $5 cup of coffee.  Nice run while it lasted.
2. Jessica Simpson – You date a loser who is a douchebag.  Your sister replaced you on the covers of entertainment magazines by becoming hotter than you through tons of plastic surgery and getting banged by an emosexual.  You put out a country music album that nobody cares about and you may be in fact legally retarded.  Go away.
3. The City of Detroit – Where do we start?  The Lions, GM, Ford or Matt Millen.  Millen is actually a winner as he is still cashing 10 million worth of checks.  I am rooting for the factory workers but your bosses need to learn how to beg for money.  You do not ask your boss for a raise while showing up in a limo and dressed in a tux.  On the plus side, the price of an ounce of crack is going down.
4. Hillary Clinton – Tough year for her.  The democrats wanted no part of her.  Obama made her his secretary.  She set fashion back 35 years.   Tape your damn ankles and wear some high heels.  Monica wore a skirt and so can you.  Lighten up a little too.
5. Brett Favre – Walked away from millions from the Packers to go throw interceptions with the Jets.  Should have just walked away.

The winner is……

The City of Detroit.  It looks like you finally didn’t lose something.  You are now the 2008 Loser of the year. Please do not riot after reading this.

It is time for our first annual 2008 Year End Awards.  Can you have an annual 2008 Year End Awards?  Does this mean that we will have a 2008 Year End Awards in 2009 and beyond?  I have no idea but here we go.  This year was a great year in the entertainment world.  I have narrowed the field down to four entertainers.   They are in no particular order:

1. Heath Ledger – The guy went from being the butt of jokes literally to putting together one of the greatest acting jobs in the last 50 years.  He was so good that I question whether the Batman franchise will move on without him.
2. Tina Fey – She will get all of the attention for the Palin impressions on SNL.  I am giving her this nomination based upon her show 30 Rock.  Alec Baldwin and Tracy Morgan are great and this show is really underrated.
3. Angelica Carrera – Many of you know this exotic beauty from her modeling and club hosting.  Her dancing is very respected in the hip hop community which I represent as you probably know.
4. Lil Wayne – Dude is up for 8 Grammys and has not been shot yet this year.  He was also arrested for weed, coke and X.  Great year for him.

And the winner goes to….

Angelica Carrera for giving me an excuse to post this youtube video.  You will be more entertained in this 72 seconds than in Tina Feys overhyped Palin, Ledger’s Joker or Lil Wayne’s rapping.  Enjoy.

Enough about hockey.  Let’s get back to sports.  There is a bit of controversy surrounding the new ring girl for the UFC.  The ring girl is very important as it balances out the fact that you are watching two guys in shorts roll around on the ground together for long periods of time.  Sure they are beating the crap out of each other but it does get awkward to hear the terms rear naked choke and full mount yelled out by one of the other 50 dudes watching this with you.  The ring girl allows you to watch a nice Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu display without being homo.  Here is the controversy.  Many of the UFC fans are not feeling this girl.  She is a throwback to the days when the cost of breast implants exceeded a 19 year old girl’s credit limit.  I personally think she will be fine and like her look.  America is certainly divided.  Is Vegas ready for a girl like this?  Right now, she is the Jackie Robinson of 2008 ring girls.  I think the over under for her getting implants is 3 months.  Any takers?  Should she?  This is a serious discussion.  Let’s keep this professional.

Now that the NFL season is over (fing Cowboys),  I have decided to look forward to other sporting events.  I just realized that the NHL is still in business by the fact that they will conduct a game at Wrigley Field this Thursday.  I love Canada.  I like George St. Pierre as middleweight champ.  But let’s be honest here, hockey is nothing more than soccer on ice.  You skate around for a few hours and most likely end in a tie.  You give us last names without vowels that end in X that we cannot pronounce.  You give us the term Hockey Moms which is moronic.  You give us fights in which nobody gets knocked unconscious.  I have seen Jr. High girls end fights better then your figure skaters.  I like Canada, Detroit and Chicago but please keep that crap to yourself just as the south should do with Nascar and Europe should do with soccer.  It is going to suck when the Calgary Flamers move to a place like Albuquerque, New Mexico.  You know it is going to happen.  Keep that stuff up there.  I live 15 miles from a team that won a Stanley cup a few years ago and nobody here cares.  Do not get mad or blame me.  I am actually supporting the hockey fan on this one.  Having teams in Disney World and North Carolina ends your sport.  Leave Wrigley out of this and do not tear up the infield with your game.  Go Cubs Go.

We have more breaking baby news for our readers.  Last week we gave you the exclusive baby pictures of the crazy lady that had a few dozen kids on purpose.  (Keep your comments coming)  Today, I am announcing that Levi Johnston, which is a great name for chewing tobacco or Whiskey, and Bristol Palin had the baby.  It was a 7lb boy who they named David.  Or did they?   Of course they did not name him anything normal.  Why would you?  He is going to be known as Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnson.  I was hoping for an Eskimo name but they gave it a somewhat normal name considering everything.  Would have made my year if they named him Eskimo Joe, Camero, Federline or even Barack.  Oh well.  We wish the family well and keep the comments classy on this one.  I feel like People magazine.  Maybe we will give you the exclusive baby photos later.

I am really too pissed off to deal with anything tonight and would rather quit just like the Cowboys.  However, I am not a loser.  I brought in Youtube Sports Demonstration sensation Kige Ramsey to show Tony Romo how to properly play quarterback.   Kige actually grips the ball without fumbling it on the ground.  He then drops back and throws it a good 7 yards downfield.  You do not see Ed Reed or some Philly scrub running with the ball the other way while he looks at the camera.  Kige does not one hop a two yard out on 3rd and 1.  He just drops back and throws the ball properly.  It is not that hard Romo.

Comments are closed to all female St. Louis Rams fans and Al-Qaeda members.

This is one of the few times that you will be disappointed to hear the words stripped and Mexican beauty queen in the same sentence.  I am a bit confused on this one.  Mexico stripped the crown from Laura Zuniga for drug trafficking.  This is like South Carolina taking the title from Ms. South Carolina because she cannot read or Ms. Kentucky losing her crown because she cannot spell.  It blows my mind that Mexico takes such drastic measures.  Is drug running not part of the talent portion of the show?  You would think that drug running, muling and kidnapping would be a major player in any talent competition for the Ms Mexico pageant.  Not sure what the world is coming to these days.  On a positive note, I will now make Ms. Zuniga my exclusive dealer.  She would make my life a whole lot easier if she would make house calls and leave her vatos back in Mexico.

Good news Ladies.   I found the product that every fisherman wants this Christmas.  It is the Wunder Boner.  I know.  Normally, he has to go to a strip club to get this but not anymore thanks to our redneck inventors.  Now, your kitchen will have the same technology as high end fish eateries such as Long John Silvers.  Our you can drop 8.99 at Red Lobster and not get your hands dirty.

Great last minute gift for the ladies in your life.  I am sure she always complains about the seat belt strap.  I usually just put my hand there to easy the tension but some prudes cannot handle it.  The Tiddy Bear takes care of this awkward situation.  I am hoping they can invent a product that relieves the pain from the lap portion of the seat belt.  I’ll just stick a stuffed animal down there until they figure out something.

What do you get when you add a red suit, a white beard and a fat guy?  The good old Mall Santa.  If you are like me and have a $30 dollar a day snickers habit, any part time job is appreciated.  This year I spend a few hours taking pictures with kids and so I can get to super size my order a few more times a day.  It is not as easy as I thought it would be.  Here are the biggest complaints from the Mall Santa.

1) Crying Kids – How does a four year old already need psychological help?  Your mom is three feet away.  Toughen up kid.  Unless you plan on to grow up to coach the Rams, life is going to be rough on you.  Nobody likes a crier.

2) Rich Suburban Kids – You are 5 years old and your mom spent more on your matching outfit than I did on my entire wardrobe.  The last thing I need to hear is that you want a new surround sound for your home theater in your room.  Go to hell.

3) Snotty Kids – I am sorry kid.  I cannot hear what you want because you just sneezed in my face.  Did I hear Kleenex or Vitamin C?  How about Santa bringing you an immune system?  You do not live in a third world country.  Go away.

4) High School Girls - I am sorry wrong list.  How did that get there?  People in line seem to get mad when I spend 45 minutes making sure I get everything on their list.  Don’t judge me.

5) Gay Guys – Don’t even think about sitting here fruitcake.  Let me guess.  You want soccer equipment, Philadelphia Eagles gear, or the new High School Musical DVD.  How did I know?  Not that difficult.

6) Elves – Can we not just waive the child labor laws for just this purpose?  No offense, but I get really freaked out by the “little people” in Elves costumes.  Do they get less than minimum wage?  Not sure how that works.  Just stay out of my way.

There are many more complaints than the ones that I have listed.   However, the extra $55 that I made this week is somewhat worth it.

I know this is a bit late but after the success of my Holiday Movie Review, I have decided to review the new Guns N Roses CD.  The first thing that comes to mind is that it is not the same without Slash.  I never could get by the fact that Slash is not on guitar.  As you can see from the picture above, the rock n roll lifestyle was rough on him.  Slash danced way too long with Mr. Brownstone and he looks like hell.  Just look at the guy.  It is sad.  Without Slash, Chinese Democracy is not Guns N Roses.  I listened to a few tracks and was not get hooked.  I never felt like I was in the jungle and sometimes felt like I was gonna die.  It was more of a solo album that lacked the edge that was GNR.  Pretty Average.

Fatty gotta gun.  His whole belt has come undone.  Look out.  Normally when fatty will go ahead and make his day, it involves eating fistful of McDoubles.   This guy takes it to another level.  I ‘m not sure if he’s using proper form or can just barely extend his arms past his gut but he’s not letting anybody take his McDoubles.   You want to take his McDonalds? The only way you will take it is from his cold fat fingers.  Do you feel lucky punk?

We know that many of our readers will travel for the holidays.  With that in mind, Monica Escamilla is here to deliver the Christmas weather forecast. To be honest, I really have no idea what she is saying.  I think it is because I am not a meteorologist or because I cannot take my eyes off of her mountain region.  It could also be the fact that I learned Spanish from watching Speedy Gonzales cartoons.  Either way, she has caused a lower lever disturbance of epic proportions. We hope you enjoy.  I am forecasting that Mayte Carranco, Jackie Guerrido, and Dominica Davis will soon join us.  Happy Holidays and Feliz Navidad to our Spanish readers.

I’ve always heard that you cannot put a price tag on class.  After seeing the bracelet in the picture above, I totally disagree.  I have now found exactly what I want for Christmas.  I admit that I do not attend too many Source Awards but this would be perfect to wear during formal events and charity benefits.  The problem is that I am not sure where you go to buy something like this.  The jewelry section in JC Penney is probably not going to have it.  You will probably find it at a kiosk in a New Jersey mall.  I don’t know.  This may be a one of a kind item so be sure and wipe the blood off of if you go that route.  It makes it really special if you snatch it for me.  I do not snitch.  Merry Christmas

Like most Americans, I have a little time off and would like to catch a nice uplifting movie for the holidays.  Have you seen the crap that Hollywood is throwing at us these days?  Oh look, a digital cartoon about an animal.  I get it Disney.  You can make a movie for 300k and make a billion.  I have zero interest in sitting in a movie theater packed with kids and creepy dudes without kids.  That leaves me with three choices which I’m not going to bother to see but I will review for you anyway.

The Valkyrie starring Tom Cruise.  Do they seriously think people will rush out to see that freak?  I can see the studio execs trying to get somebody to root for him.  Should we have him fight Hitler, Katrina or Osama?  The last thing I want to do is see a Christmas movie about Adolph.  No offense Maverick, but I should not have to think about who to root for when Hitler is involved.  Hitler ends up beating you anyway so why do I want to see a movie in which Hitler comes out on top.  Two Big Thumb Stomachs down.

Seven Pounds No, this is not the story of Rosie’s morning dump.  This involves the other Scientologist, Will Smith, who is about to throw his career away.  Seven pounds is about a dude that accidentally kills seven people and then plans his suicide the entire movie.  If I really want to watch this crap, I will follow around a Detroit Lions season ticket holder for a day.  That is what I really want to do with my ten bucks and 2 hours.  Jazzy Jeff has a better future than Will Smith.  Two Thumb stomachs down.

Yes Man On the plus side it stars Zooey Deschanel who is pretty hot.  On the downside, it stars Jim Carrey.  He has done the same character to death.  I guess people like that.  You can go to any meth house in town and see the same character.   At least it is not depressing like the other two.  Carey is dating Jenny McCarthy who I am kind of sick of right now.  Jenny lets not forget that you did not go to medical school.  You were Playmate of the Year just like Anna Nicole.  Get over yourself and get back in Playboy.  I’ll give this One Thumb Stomach down.

I would like to congratulate Michelle Duggar for having her 18th baby today but I do not think I will.  Many of you have seen this freak show on TLC’s “17 Kids and Counting”.  Now she can make it 18.   I know this is Arkansas but still.  Was eight not enough?   Cal Ripken would tell this lady’s vagina to take a day off.  Maybe we can get her uterus a 401k plan so it can retire.  As for the father Jim Bob Duggar, what are you thinking?  If you use birth control, you can hit that more than once a year.  You should never have more kids than Shawn Kemp and Eazy E combined.  You got that Jim Bob?  If David Koresh was alive today, he would be a bit creeped out about your family.  That is never a good thing.

Stop sending me the texts and emails.  Yes, I am aware that Burger King has a new body spray called Flame.  No, I have not been wearing it for 10 years.  I resent the fact that you think that I have the desire to constantly smell like cheap fast food.  It just happens to happen that way.  If I wanted to intentionally smell like food, I would buy the new body spray from the Sizzler.  The  last thing I want to do is get lathered up in BK and then get trampled by a bunch of hungry big girls.  They follow me around all day anyway like I am the Pied Piper.  I do not need any help from you King.

While we are at it.  Who says this is for men anyway? Why wouldn’t the single ladies try this?  Maybe you ladies are alone because guys do not care for the sophisticated scent of lilacs and butterflies.  You may get a man’s attention long enough to listen to you if you drop some BK between your tittays.  If that doesn’t work just shove a Whopper in there.  It that fails, it is you.  Trust me, I am not a big fan of the Burger King but you can experiment with nicer restaurants.  I would just stay away from Red Lobster perfumes and try to keep it in the Steak category.  Just use your imagination and you can have it your way.

The “internet” is reporting that Eddie Murphy is going to play the Riddler in the 2010 Batman movie.  Johnny Depp was supposed to be up for the part but I heard he signed on for Edward Scissorhands 2 which should be out around the same time.  Make sure you attribute that rumor to this site.  I am the first to break ES2.

I’m not sure what to think about Eddie.  Riddle me this.  What the hell happened to that guy over the last 15 years? Cartoons and Disney sellouts.  I never got the stupid movies where he has to play every character.  Just hire some damn actors  Eddie.  People are hungry.  I think he even played Martin Lawerence in Big Mamas House on top of Big Mama and everybody else.  So terrible.   I have a bad feeling he’s going to screw this up.  Who should play The Riddler?  Flava Flav would be good since nobody really knows what the hell he’s saying anyway.  Emmitt Smith maybe? Don’t forget Ed Werder.  I don’t know.  You tell me.

If you are still looking for the Christmas gift for that Cowboys fan you hate, I have found the gift for you.  The NFL Shop has throwback jerseys and for $499 you can have an autographed Quincy Carter jersey that they will preserve in a frame for you to mount proudly on your wall.  At this point, I doubt QC would be caught dead in his own jersey but it is there for the taking.  Please click this link and notice that they call it Mounted Memories.  I am not making this up.  Is there any better term for the Quincy Carter Era than Mounted Memories?  Don’t gloat Eagle fans.  Donovan McNabs is 79 bucks on the same site.

Click to see this great piece of Dallas Cowboys history.

And Yes Veronda, There is a McNabb Jersey for $79

We would like to wish Tara Reid good luck in her first rehab appearance.  Sure, it is probably ten years too late and her career is over but she can now go through life completely sober.  It has been a rough nine years for the American Pie actors.  The dumb guy had his girl abducted by Tom Cruise.  The naked girl with the bad foreign accent is going all in against Carrot Top at 3am in the morning on UPN’s “Celebrity” Poker.  The red headed girl has a tv show on some channel that nobody watches.  The other two guys couldn’t make it on Americas Most Wanted if they killed the President.  Poor Tara’s plastic surgery could not have been worse.  I would have done a better job with a jackhammer after 9 redbulls.   Why didn’t she just wait until season 2 of Celebrity Rehab?  Oh well, good luck Tara.  We wish you the best.

In order to ease tensions in the Middle East, I have posted this nice picture of Megan Fox.  Many of our new Middle Eastern readers did not appreciate that I said that the reporter who threw shoes at Bush should have his nuts shocked until the village that he lives in loses power, which prevents them from watching the Dallas Cowboys/New York Giants game.  Many did not get the joke and were very angry with us.  I mean no harm to our new readers from the Middle East.  Therefore, I have posted this nice picture of Megan Fox from what looks like my Library on the East Wing of my West Coast mansion for all of us to enjoy.  Problem solved.

We gave you gift ideas for fatty and stocking stuffers for the fat guy which I hope you have used.  Many of you think that you know that fat guy in your life better than we do so you can go at it alone.  Go ahead and disappoint like you normally do.  Just do us a favor and stay away from these items.

Wicker Furniture. Look how stylish and practical this is.  You can pick it up and move it anywhere.  Of course you can.  Why? Because it is made out of sticks.  Unfortunately, I do not live in an African hut.  Do you really think that this is going to end well?   I can see it now.  I’ll have more bamboo shoots up my ass then I did in Nam.  Great gift!   I now look like a freaking porcupine.

Fanny Pack Wow, look it is a fanny pack.  I will look really European at the futbal soccer match.  Or, maybe not.  I understand you think that I cannot walk ten feet without eating and this is a great place to put a ham sandwich.  Hell, the guy in the picture above had a small mouth bass in his.  The problem is getting this around my waist.  Better yet, how will this go around my wrist?  You failed.

Sweating to the Oldies You mean that I can stop whatever is on my television set to watch a fruit in John Stockton shorts jump up and down with a herd of fat old ladies?  Better yet, I can get off the couch and join in the fun.  If you think this is a good idea, go to the first page of our website and start reading.  Idiot.

I am King by Puff Daddy Is that no talent I am smelling?  Yes it is.  Wear this and you too can mumble through somebody else’s rap tracks and design track suits with your name on them.  Then, you can come up with stupid nicknames for your self and change them every few years.  Next, you’ll lose your girl to a 4′11 Puerto Rican crooner.  No thank you Sean Combs.  Women prefer the scent of red meat, bacon, french fries and sweat.

EDITORS NOTE: If you do not understand American Humor or do not have your own sense of humor just watch the funny video and leave.  Do not read anything below because you will get angry with my joke.

You close one torture prison and people think they now have rights and stuff.  I’m hoping he’s getting his nuts shocked off at Abu Grab for that crap.  Hopefully, some village is not getting to see the Cowboys destroy the giants because their power is going through his ass.  I don’t want to get into Bush and politics but Muntadar al-Zaidi needs to learn some respect.  We can’t let the metro reporter from the Tikrit Times do this to our country.  Is Udey or Quesay still running around?  They’d handle up on this.  Hell, Cheney would have dropped him.  Bush looked pretty light on his feet.  He might have helped his approval rating if he did some old school ground and pound.

UPDATE: If you are now upset and angry, please view this post of the Worlds Greatest ass or this post about Megan Fox.  You will be happier.  Have a nice day.

Don’t call it a comeback.  Did anybody doubt that she would make it back to 2 bills.  Really?  We knew you had it in you Oprah.  The diet experts, personal trainers, and Dr. Phil are not going to help you.  Just be honest and tell America what your favorite things really are.  We’ve talked about them here.  We’ve have Wendy’s, we have McDonalds, we have KFC, we have Bacon Ice Cream and the list goes on and on.

There is one question that needs to be answered.  Where does this put Oprah in the hottest women of afternoon talk?  You have Rosie, Ellen and Oprah.  You could probably throw in Dr. Phil and Judge Judy but we should just rank the Big 3.  Are women that insecure that you have to give us that choice?  Megan Fox can’t talk to celebs?  This is a serious question and I demand answers.

I roll in the suburbs and we do not have much of a gang problem outside of those 14 year old skateboarders in the Office Max parking lot that sometimes cause quite  the ruckus.  But there is no longer a need to worry.  The El Paso PD has produced a fine PSA that will end gangbanging.  Everybody knows the best way to reach these boyz in the hood is through rap music.  Throw in a white cop rapping for added street appeal and problem solved.  Lets see.  Cops, White Rappers, Old People and an uncomfortable lynching scene.  What could go wrong?  Thanks to totallycrap.com for finding this gem.

Isn’t Peta supposed to be against the exploitation of big dumb animals?  Naked? We’d rather see you just go away.  I’m sorry but when you are famous for either being the sister of a girl in a sex tape with a wannabe rapper or famous for being the daughter of a guy who helped OJ beat a murder charge, then I don’t want to see you.  I don’t care about your grooming techniques or whatever you are insinuating.  The sad thing is that Peta picked the only Kardashian that couldn’t get OJ off if she tried.  Was Kim or that other sister not available?  Great score Peta.  Khloe Kardashian.  I’m sure no cows were harmed to fit in that big ass.  That is a Mcdouble ass if I’ve ever seen one.  No hypocrisy at all Peta.

UPDATED: This post is dedicated to our friend DC.  She lost her 20’s today.  Our thoughts are with her.  Happy Birthday DC.

UPDATED: Click Here for Khloe Wedding News and Pics

Many of you have probably already heard about the dumbass bitches that decided to take a bath in the KFC sink.  As somebody who frequents fast food joints, this has to stop.  Do they not have a health inspector in Kentucky?  I know that most in Kentucky do not have running water but still.  I’m sure there is a creek or some puddle of water for you hillbillies to wash the Colonel’s seasonings off of you.  If there is any justice in the world, the Colonel is laying his walking cane into these idiots as I type this.  At the very least the Colonel has to be disappointed with the small breast.   KFC is one place in this world that small breast should not be tolerated.