Archive for October, 2008

Pogo Sticks

Posted in Transportation with tags , , , , , , , , on October 30, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

I talked earlier about the pitfalls concerning the Rascal.  After turtling one too many times, I decided to seek alternative methods of transportation.  My health conscious friends suggested a good old fashioned pogo stick.  They told me all I needed to do was to jump off of my porch and aim myself to Wendy’s.  My momentum should carry me right to a tasty baconator.  Once again, they were wrong.  Here are the pitfalls of using a pogo stick.

  1. Potholes- Yes you should avoid them but the problem is actually causing them.  This is not your Grandfather’s asphalt.  There is a danger of falling through the street and a larger danger of receiving a bill from the city.  That $42 lunch at Wendy’s could end up costing you several thousand dollars.  Proceed with caution.
  2. Crushed Vertebrae- Your spine is not meant to bounce up and down like Miss Louisiana on prom night.  I’m not a neurosurgeon but I will go out on a limb and say that this is bad for the C2-C6 Vertebrae.
  3. Construction Sites- The dirty construction worker will see you coming and step in front of you.  Why would they do that you ask? Because they are too damn lazy to operate the jackhammer.  True, you will have that pavement busted up in no time but that is not the point.  Do your own job you Village People rejects.
  4. Newton’s Third Law – You college dropouts have no idea what I’m talking about right now and have probably stopped reading.  Here we go.  Newton’s Third Law states for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  This means that car alarms will sound, windows will break, pictures will fall off of walls, global warming will occur, sinkholes will appear, polar bears will die, the earth will move off its axis, Phillies will win the World Series, Al Gore will cry and the Rams will beat a 5 time Super Bowl champion.

As you can see it is just not worth it.  We will explore other forms of transportation in future columns but for right now just stick to the Rascal and avoid the sharp turns.


World’s Fattest Man

Posted in Breaking News with tags , , , , , on October 29, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

We would like to extend our congratulations to the Worlds Fattest Man who was married in a ceremony in Mexico this past weekend.  Our Mexico Officina is reporting that the bride wore a strapless white gown while the groom wore a queen sized bed and heart monitor.  We wish them all the best.

Enough of the wedding crap.  Fellas, it is time to bring the title back to US soil.  No excuses.  He once had an insurmountable lead at 1200lbs but with her constant nagging, he now checks in at 700lbs.  Just like the great Mickie told Rocky, “Women Weaken Knees”.  He does not have the stomach anymore to fight for his title.  He is out running errands at Cama, Bana y Beyond instead of kicking back in bed and knocking back some chickens.  I am issuing a challenge today.  Take back the title.  Don’t ask for the title of Worlds Fattest Man.  Take that title.  Do your patriotic duty and bring it home. USA! USA! USA!

Larry Johnson-Ladies Man

Posted in Douchebags with tags , , , , , , on October 27, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

When we designed this blog, we did not intend on doling out relationship advice.  However, after reading that Larry Johnson of the Chiefs just got busted for the fourth domestic violence charge in five years and second this year, we are going to make the exception for the ladies of Kansas City.

Larry, instead of spitting a drink on a young lady and then threatening to kill her boyfriend, try sending a nice flower arrangement.  Before you shove a girl down on the dance floor, maybe just talk to her and listen to her needs.  You should not beat your girlfriend and threaten her with a hand gun.  It is not becoming of a gentleman.  You sound like a man of few words so go with Hallmark, which has cards for all occasions.  The $19 million contract you signed with the Kansas City Chiefs means that you will always be loser on the field.  Don’t be a loser with the prison bitches.

Update: Larry Johnson nominated for 2008 Fighter of the Year.

All Is Right With The World

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , on October 26, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

I apologize Wade.  As Roscoe P. Coltrane would say, you are my little fat buddy.  It may have been uglier than Maggie Gyllenhall on an Imax screen but we won.  This is without Romo, Whitten, Felix, Newman, Pac, Henry, that fat guard, and Roy Williams.  Wade’s defense held TB to no Td’s and 9 points only one week after giving up 34 to a team last week.  We are back in it now with the Giants next week and then the bye.  Life is good.

The Rascal

Posted in Transportation with tags , , , , on October 26, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

The Rascal aka the Fattie Gocart is probably the greatest invention since the Jager Shot Machine.  You would think that there is no way I can complain about this one.  Let me tell you it is not always rainbows and butterflies when it comes to this man mover.  Here are the limitations that I have experienced.

1) The Top Shelf.  This is obvious because you are limiting your caloric consumption to only the bottom three feet of the store.  There is nothing more frustrating than that bag of Cheetos just out of reach of your grasp.  This presents a huge danger as a slight weight shift can result in you tipping that bad boy over and causing a domino effect on the shelves.

2) The 400 pound limit.  We discussed weight limits in elevators and now this same dilemma rears its ugly head.  You weigh 325lbs which leaves you only 75lbs for groceries.  I usually go full spandex to get around this because every little bit helps.  You can also cut weight like a fighter by sitting in the parking lot with your windows up for 20 minutes.  That should add 12lbs of grocery.

3) The Turtle.  Those two words send shock waves of fear through out the Rascal driving community.  Do not take corners sharply.  One sharp turn can cause you to flip over and land on your back without the possibility of rolling over.  Nobody will help you.  This is not a joke.

4) The Battery.  This is a problem because these batteries were made to move the slight weight of the elderly.  They had no idea we would take over.  I will have a flunky at Wal-mart charge about a half dozen and then I will pull in for a pit stop every two aisles.  You do not want to get stranded in the vegetable aisle.

5) The Looks of Disgust.  You have to fight through this one on your own.  You will be passed by knocked up women, 90 year old men with walkers, and crawling 2 year olds.  Deal with it.  If they talk smack, you have every right to hockey check them into the boards.

6)  The Unknown.  The best advice is to always be on the lookout.  You will have spills, tire blowouts, kids catching rides on your bumper, and the old granny who darts out in front of you out of nowhere.

Michael Phelps

Posted in Douchebags with tags , , , , , , , on October 26, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

What do you get when you combine the sex appeal of John Kerry with the charisma of Eli Manning?  You get none other than Michael Phelps.  Wow, you won eight races against third world losers who were too busy looking for catfish to bother with your “race”.  I appreciate you using your retard strength for good but nobody cares.   You brag about eating 12,000 calories a day, big freaking deal.  I eat 20,000 calories a day and you don’t see me prancing around in a Speedo with my shirt off in public.

Don’t feel bad Phelps. We also hate Aquaman.  If you remove Aquaman from the ocean, you basically have a retard at Petsmart talking to goldfish.  Cat in a tree? Call the Brown Hornet.  A baby in a burning building? Better let you take care of it Spiderman.  Try keeping those stupid dolphin friends out of my tuna can and then we’ll call you a superhero.  Either go to the ocean and snag me some lobsters or go away.

Now that we have that established, stop with the commercials.  Did you not learn your lesson hosting SNL?  Of course not, you just sucked the life out of the new Rockband commercial.  By the way, your lead singer shouldn’t have to rape the groupies.  Even Weird Al still scores coessentially for the most part.  Don’t choke in NBA finals and you don’t have to resort to that Kobe.  It is simple.  Women like winners…just not you Phelps.

Sanjeep, We have a problem

Posted in Breaking News with tags , , , , , , , on October 25, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

India has now entered the space race and at this rate should be on the moon in 45 years.  Normally, I would make jokes about such things as Curry flavored Tang and the fact that they can put a man on the moon but can’t eat a Baconator.  However, I’m better than that so I’m not going to make those jokes.  India to the moon is a good thing especially if this mission somehow results in higher quality fireworks.

My anger today is focused on the one small step for man that involved putting a new version of Adobe Acrobat on my computer.  It took India 40 years to find the moon and it took their Tech Support 3 hours to hook Adobe up on my computer.  Not that giant of a leap for mankind there my friend.  Hey, don’t get in a hurry.  Granted he is not going to be manning mission control anytime soon.  But if there is any justice, Rocket Man is going to have to go through 25 teleprompts just to be transferred to Bangalore and then put on hold for two hours.