The Rascal

The Rascal aka the Fattie Gocart is probably the greatest invention since the Jager Shot Machine.  You would think that there is no way I can complain about this one.  Let me tell you it is not always rainbows and butterflies when it comes to this man mover.  Here are the limitations that I have experienced.

1) The Top Shelf.  This is obvious because you are limiting your caloric consumption to only the bottom three feet of the store.  There is nothing more frustrating than that bag of Cheetos just out of reach of your grasp.  This presents a huge danger as a slight weight shift can result in you tipping that bad boy over and causing a domino effect on the shelves.

2) The 400 pound limit.  We discussed weight limits in elevators and now this same dilemma rears its ugly head.  You weigh 325lbs which leaves you only 75lbs for groceries.  I usually go full spandex to get around this because every little bit helps.  You can also cut weight like a fighter by sitting in the parking lot with your windows up for 20 minutes.  That should add 12lbs of grocery.

3) The Turtle.  Those two words send shock waves of fear through out the Rascal driving community.  Do not take corners sharply.  One sharp turn can cause you to flip over and land on your back without the possibility of rolling over.  Nobody will help you.  This is not a joke.

4) The Battery.  This is a problem because these batteries were made to move the slight weight of the elderly.  They had no idea we would take over.  I will have a flunky at Wal-mart charge about a half dozen and then I will pull in for a pit stop every two aisles.  You do not want to get stranded in the vegetable aisle.

5) The Looks of Disgust.  You have to fight through this one on your own.  You will be passed by knocked up women, 90 year old men with walkers, and crawling 2 year olds.  Deal with it.  If they talk smack, you have every right to hockey check them into the boards.

6)  The Unknown.  The best advice is to always be on the lookout.  You will have spills, tire blowouts, kids catching rides on your bumper, and the old granny who darts out in front of you out of nowhere.


13 Responses to “The Rascal”

  1. Gotta watch those sharp turns too or you could tip over and end up like a turtle on your back.

  2. Can I steal that? I’ll didn’t think about that one.

  3. Steal away.

  4. Stolen. Did you see the comment on the halloween costumes that said we are both disgusting and sexist? I guess i shouldn’t post our link on halloween ideas for parents.

  5. That wasn’t very nice. Especially considering your knuckles are probably still sore from dragging on the ground.

  6. I guess no sexy halloween pics from you either.

  7. […] The Larry Flynt This is really for our fat friends who use the Rascal aka Wal-Mart motorized scooter.  However, if you are really lazy or get really drunk just get a […]

  8. I just discovered you blog and I already love it! Wonderful humor and still all you say is so true! I live in a medium-size town in Quebec, Canada, and in most places my scooter can’t fit in the alleys. I must step off my scooter and walk in the store if I want to shop without kicking everything out of the shelves! There are less obese people in Canada (at least in Quebec, for all I know) and the ostracism is even worse than in USA, precisely because of that.

    My own blog is in French, but I will put a link to yours on it. Keep on writing! You are witty, it’s great!

  9. Anonymous Says:

    if you need a rascal because your fat BE ASHAMED! You need to change! Look at yourself, you know you can change if you try! You can do it!

  10. Daniel Paleski Says:

    Why is this a blog? You know that the food you eat could save dozens of people in Africa. You could actually save a person in stead of jamming shit down your mouth. Do you think it’s a disease? I don’t get it. They make medication for all gland disorders. What the hell is going on here. It really fucking dumb.

  11. My partner and I stumbled over here from a different page and
    thought I may as well check things out. I like what I see so i am just following you.
    Look forward to going over your web page again.

  12. What’s up mates, its fantastic post on the topic
    of cultureand entirely explained, keep it up all the time.

  13. Or you could try not being such a fat sack of shit! 🙂

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