Pogo Sticks

I talked earlier about the pitfalls concerning the Rascal.  After turtling one too many times, I decided to seek alternative methods of transportation.  My health conscious friends suggested a good old fashioned pogo stick.  They told me all I needed to do was to jump off of my porch and aim myself to Wendy’s.  My momentum should carry me right to a tasty baconator.  Once again, they were wrong.  Here are the pitfalls of using a pogo stick.

  1. Potholes- Yes you should avoid them but the problem is actually causing them.  This is not your Grandfather’s asphalt.  There is a danger of falling through the street and a larger danger of receiving a bill from the city.  That $42 lunch at Wendy’s could end up costing you several thousand dollars.  Proceed with caution.
  2. Crushed Vertebrae- Your spine is not meant to bounce up and down like Miss Louisiana on prom night.  I’m not a neurosurgeon but I will go out on a limb and say that this is bad for the C2-C6 Vertebrae.
  3. Construction Sites- The dirty construction worker will see you coming and step in front of you.  Why would they do that you ask? Because they are too damn lazy to operate the jackhammer.  True, you will have that pavement busted up in no time but that is not the point.  Do your own job you Village People rejects.
  4. Newton’s Third Law – You college dropouts have no idea what I’m talking about right now and have probably stopped reading.  Here we go.  Newton’s Third Law states for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  This means that car alarms will sound, windows will break, pictures will fall off of walls, global warming will occur, sinkholes will appear, polar bears will die, the earth will move off its axis, Phillies will win the World Series, Al Gore will cry and the Rams will beat a 5 time Super Bowl champion.

As you can see it is just not worth it.  We will explore other forms of transportation in future columns but for right now just stick to the Rascal and avoid the sharp turns.

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4 Responses to “Pogo Sticks”

  1. Rams will beat a 5 time Super Bowl champion.

    sonofabitch

  2. Two ways to read this:
    A. Ah Sonofabitch, you made fun of the Rams again. Shucks
    B. You made fun of the Rams again. You Sonofabitch.

    I’m pretty sure its A since B is not very lady like. You may need to be clearer in your profanity so as to not confuse our fans.

  3. It’s actually a bit of both with a little “sonofabitch you need to start making fun of other teams” thrown in.

  4. I feel better now. Thanks for the clarification.

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