When I first saw the commercial for Rosie O’Donnell’s variety show, I thought the same thing that everybody else thought. Man, John Madden really let himself go. But to my surprise, it was actually Rosie making her big comeback. For whatever reason, NBC decided to give her an hour to sing, dance and tell jokes. I’m not buying your crap NBC. You first give us Knight Rider without the Hoff and now this garbage. Put Rosie up against Kobayashi eating hot dogs and I might switch over and watch. I would even watch her headbutt a giant block of ice to see what would happen. However, there is no way in hell that I am watching that big headed monster sing and dance. Televisions were not designed for that melon head. I would need NASA to configure my TV to fit her cranium in my 65 inch screen. Sorry Rosie. We as a society are just not ready for your variety show. We will figure out something else for you to do in a later column. It’s not us it’s you.
Archive for November, 2008
Thanksgiving is really a simple holiday. You eat as much as humanly possible and you watch football. There really should not be any complaints. Especially since this holiday was designed for the big man. It just so happens that I have a few things that I hate about Thanksgiving that does not involve my heritage.
- Dieters – I do not mind the fact that you eat small amounts. I just hate to listen you remind me of your diet every other bite. It is one meal for only one day of the year. Shut the hell up and put some food in your mouth. I don’t care how many carbs a hot roll has or how many fat grams your salad dressing contains. Live a little.
- People who show up empty handed – OK, you decide at the last minute to bring your family of six to my house and you bring only for appetites. Did you forget something loser? Oh, I get it, your wife does not really cook and you did not have time to stop off at Wal-Mart. I have to now make my meal for seven stretch to a meal for thirteen. That means less for me and yes, we have a problem.
- People who eat half of their plate and offer it to me. I see you loaded the plate down and are starting to slow down. You finally give up and instead of just either going the full nine innings; you decide you need a relief pitcher. Just throw your food away. There is nothing more demeaning to the big man then to be looked at as one step above the trash can. If I am still hungry and we are out of food, I have no problem digging through the garbage myself.
- Paper or Plastic Plates I know I am not eating at the Trump Mansion, but is it too much to ask to eat off of a standard plate? I am not testing driving a Prius. I should not have to worry about torsion and weight distribution of my food.
- Detroit Lions Thanksgiving should be about football. Whatever you are doing out there is not football. Why are you on my television set while I am trying to enjoy my lunch? I know it has been a rough year for you with the automakers and your team going 0-11. You should be angry. I just don’t understand how you can riot and burn half of Detroit down when you win but can’t overturn a single cop car when you lose every game. Explain that logic.
- Black Friday This drives me crazy. You are going to wake me up at 2am to go stand in line at Wal-Mart to buy a 19inch tv for $99. You can by the same tv for $104 any other day of the year. Or you can wait until next week and buy it for $96. I know you don’t understand so shut up and set your alarm. Who doesn’t want to wait in line 5 hours in freezing cold to save $4.
Other than that this is my second favorite holiday of the year.
Bush decided to end his Presidency by reaching out to the black community and reward the 12 of you who voted for him. Yesterday, he decided to pardon rapper John Forte. I will admit that I am not as active in the hip hop community as the Bush family. But John Forte? First, who the hell is John Forte? Second, is there a worst rap name than John Forte? Thank you Bush for helping out the community but could you maybe hook up Ghostface Killah? I’m sure he is either in jail, on his way to jail or just getting out of jail. How about Lil Wayne? I’m sure he’s bound to be up for weapons or weed. DMX is about to go down for some hard time. Could you just issue an open ended pardon for the WuTang Clan? Oh well, it wouldn’t be a Bush pardon if something wasn’t screwed up.
UPDATE…John Forte went to the same prestigious prep school that Bush graduated from back in the day. Phillips Exeter Acadamy is the connection. Can you have any less street cred than to tell your crew that you grew up hard at the Phillips Exeter Academy?
People stop me all the time to see how excited I am that Thanksgiving is only a few days away. Many people believe that I should love a holiday based purely around eating until you collapse. Big freaking deal. That is pretty much everyday for me so I really do not need the government to give me a day off to do it. What many of you do not realize is that I have about 50lbs of what you call Indian blood trying to circulate through my veins. That changes things doesn’t it smartass. Now ask me again, how I like Thanksgiving without that smirk.
Thanksgiving to my people is nothing more than a day of mourning. Here is a little history lesson they didn’t teach you in school. You did not share anything with us. Do you honestly think that you could chase down and kill a turkey while you are dressed like a door to door life insurance salesman? Your people were starving to death with your stupid hats and belt buckles. We brought all the turkey, dressing, corn, salads and pies. You came over to our land and ate our food while watching the Lions get their asses kicked. What did you bring? I can’t remember. Oh, that’s right. You bought small pox and some deeds to the most worthless land in Oklahoma, which is the worst place on earth. Thank you for sharing all of that with my people. We also really appreciate you making this a holiday to give us a day off to remind us to give thanks. Enjoy your turkey.
Like all heterosexual males, I was too busy watching the NFL on Sunday to realize that we crowned two new champions. In America, some soccer team beat another soccer team to win the Major League Soccer championship. While in Canada, a football team won the Grey Cup. If they only could have somehow fit the WNBA championship game in yesterday, the trifecta of crappy championships would be complete.
I have nothing against soccer. When I was five, I played the sport just like millions of American kids. It is a perfect game to play as a little kid. You basically chase a soccer ball around a football field until the game ends in a tie. The only rules are that you cannot use your hands, which is why most guys stop playing when they hit puberty. I outgrew the “sport” when I reached the age of six and discovered football, basketball and baseball. It is cute that people play it as adults. I have heard of that guy who bangs anorexic spice and I’m sure he’s really good. The problem I have with both is that ESPN decided to run the scores across the bottom crawl of ESPN news. This interrupts the real sports scores for about 20 seconds. Other than the 20 seconds, I would have had no idea they even bothered to play these seasons let alone crowned a champion.
If you are one of our foreign readers, please do not be offended. You probably grew up in a war torn environment which limited your sports equipment options as a kid. That is fine. I hope your country’s team beats the French or Germans or whoever. I don’t care. Nobody here does. We have ESPN Deportes for you. As for you Americans, get with the program. Watching crappy sports does not make you European; it just makes you less American.
Finally some good news. Canada has ruled that fat people do not have to pay for two airline seats. Thank you Canada. I will probably fly up for some free health care after the holiday eating season is over in January. I normally get two meals for my trips so I expect this practice to continue. I know this is going to upset some of our readers who pay $15 per bag to shove in a 2×2 foot bin. Just because you pay for excess baggage does not mean that I have to pay for my excess personal baggage. You can leave that extra pair of shoes at home. My extra 250lbs is coming with me. Keep getting angry because I’m probably going to spill over to the third one you will be forced to sit in. I love to fly and it shows.
You could say by the fact that I eat McDonalds once a day that I trust them with my life. Billions of people trust that clown to deliver their daily nutrients. Phillip and Tina Sherman took that trust to the next level. The Arkansas couple trusted their nude photos with a guy who makes 5 bucks an hour serving fries. Folks, don’t leave nude photos of your wife on your cell phone in McDonalds. If you do, go back and get the phone. The fry guy is going to do one of two things when he gets his greasy hands on your wife’s photos. In this case, he put them on the internet and notifies he’s friends.
The Sherman family is now suing McDonalds for $3 million, which I guess is the going rate for nude photos of Arkansas housewives. I will put this in perspective. The cheetah girl, Adrienne Bailon, received an offer from Playboy for $100,000. You can do the cost benefit analysis on that but I think they may be asking Mayor McCheese for a little too much. We will keep you updated on any breaking legal news.