Thank God, summer is over so I do not have to deal with everybody’s little weekend getaway. The beach you ask? Hell no. I am talking about the hillbilly ocean other wise known as the lake. It is bad enough that I have to take my shirt off which forces me to spend 75 bucks on 2 gallons of sunscreen to cover my back. Now I have to fake as if I enjoy rocking back and forth in a boat in 105 degree weather. This is why I hate boating.
- Water Skiing – People are always encouraging me to get some exercise. What better way to exercise than being drug by a boat like a laketrash Spiderman? Let me get this straight. I will hold on to a rope while you skim me across a body of water. Ya that sounds like a great time. Unfortunately, boat engines are not designed to plow fields, tow cars or pull me on top of the water. If you are lucky, you will only pull the back end of the boat off instead of blowing the engine. My bad Skipper. Try a rowboat next time.
- Life jacket – Let me guess. You are going to sing fat guy in a little coat. Funny. That is real original. I never heard that one before except every day in the winter. Since water skiing is out of the question, I would like a life jacket to protect me if I fell out of the boat. Unfortunately, there is no way in hell that this thing does anything more than allows me to drown slowly which is every drowning victims dream.
- Flotation – You would think that they might have figured the science of floating back when they were hunting for Moby Dick. I can’t sit in the front, I can’t sit in the back and if I sit on either side of the boat, it goes in circles. The only solution is to sit in a 2×2 area right in the center. If I shift my weight 6 inches to the left, I tip over my Fry Daddy. Hot grease and bare feet are a bad combination.
- Drowning – We already discussed the inadequacies of the life jacket. Let’s say I happen to fall into the water. Is there any way in hell that David Hasselhoff remotely makes eye contact with me while I’m screaming? Will Pam Anderson dive in and save me? Those idiots will run in slow motion while I drop like an anvil.