Bad Gifts for the Fat Guy

We gave you gift ideas for fatty and stocking stuffers for the fat guy which I hope you have used.  Many of you think that you know that fat guy in your life better than we do so you can go at it alone.  Go ahead and disappoint like you normally do.  Just do us a favor and stay away from these items.

wicker-chair

Wicker Furniture. Look how stylish and practical this is.  You can pick it up and move it anywhere.  Of course you can.  Why? Because it is made out of sticks.  Unfortunately, I do not live in an African hut.  Do you really think that this is going to end well?   I can see it now.  I’ll have more bamboo shoots up my ass then I did in Nam.  Great gift!   I now look like a freaking porcupine.

fanny-pack

Fanny Pack Wow, look it is a fanny pack.  I will look really European at the futbal soccer match.  Or, maybe not.  I understand you think that I cannot walk ten feet without eating and this is a great place to put a ham sandwich.  Hell, the guy in the picture above had a small mouth bass in his.  The problem is getting this around my waist.  Better yet, how will this go around my wrist?  You failed.

richard-simmons

Sweating to the Oldies You mean that I can stop whatever is on my television set to watch a fruit in John Stockton shorts jump up and down with a herd of fat old ladies?  Better yet, I can get off the couch and join in the fun.  If you think this is a good idea, go to the first page of our website and start reading.  Idiot.

i-am-king-sean-combs

I am King by Puff Daddy Is that no talent I am smelling?  Yes it is.  Wear this and you too can mumble through somebody else’s rap tracks and design track suits with your name on them.  Then, you can come up with stupid nicknames for your self and change them every few years.  Next, you’ll lose your girl to a 4’11 Puerto Rican crooner.  No thank you Sean Combs.  Women prefer the scent of red meat, bacon, french fries and sweat.

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2 Responses to “Bad Gifts for the Fat Guy”

  1. Alright, I said I would return the wicker. Maybe I can exchange it for a nice papasan chair.

  2. You might be surprised just how tough wicker furniture really can be — it depends almost entirely on what material is used to create the wicker mesh and what sort of finishes, lacquers etc are used to coat the material.

    Old school wicker is known for developing sharp broken edges but modern wicker is much tougher.

    Of course, if you really feel that wicker isn’t going to stand up to your weight or general punishment there’s always rattan furniture!

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