Just in case you ever want to rob the Wild Man’s Country Store in Hartsville, don’t mess with Kelly Simpson. The Wild Man can take a lug wrench to the skull and still pop a cap in you. Granted he tried to shot the guy in the face and ended up shooting 2 holes in his own window. You still do not mess with Wild Man. Let this be a warning.
Archive for February, 2009
I actually did not watch the Oscars last night. Megan Fox was not nominated for Chairman of the Board 2 so it really wasn’t worth watching. The movie Slumdog Millionaire did win. No, it was not the Pac Man Jones biopic. It was about a kid that works in a call center and charms snakes or whatever. Thank you India for finding something else to outsource. Congratulations to Sean Penn who won for his portrayal of Justin Timberlake. Nobody outside of Vermont has actually watched it but good job Penn.
The main thing that I got out of last night was that Toby Keith waited too late to introduce his fashion line. The stars were way too uptight. You did not see Meryl Streep in a dress with a dragon, pitbull or eagle stitched across the back. Or Brad Pitt wearing a tuxedo with a rhinestone rattlesnake playing a banjo. Toby Keith will change things. His line, TK Steelman, relies heavily on the folded straw cowboy hat, bandana, no shirt, and leather wrist bands. It sucks that TK Steelman did not make it in time for the Academy Awards but luckily for me it will be out by prom season. We did not have fashion designers like Toby Keith when I was in high school years ago. This prom year may be my year.
The Buffalo Bills sent their cheerleaders (The Jills) to Iraq to visit the troops. They did a great job cheering on the Bills to all of those Super Bowl victories in the 90s. What better place to send them then to Iraq? The girl in the above picture might try playing a little harder to get. This isn’t the La Quinta lobby in Up State New York. You are in freaking Baghdad. Women in Iraq get their heads cut off for showing too much eyelash. Unless, Uday or Qusay Hussein show back up, you might want to tone it down a little in the hotel lobby. You don’t have to advertise like you are going out of business on President’s Day. Just sit there with your legs crossed and guys will approach you. Women at the Bunny Ranch are more modest than that.
I’ll give Arod credit. He admitted today that he used roids back when he played for the Rangers. Not a huge surprise considering the fact that just about every player on that team was roiding. The Rangers had more testosterone flowing through that locker room than a Monsters of Rock concert. The crazy part was they still finished last. I don’t understand how that happens. Those are your Rangers though.
What surprises me is that he could not figure out a way to cycle his roids into October when he played for the Yankees. The dude ended up batting .150 in the post season. Now he has to do it on his own because he will get tested every other day. There is no way in hell he is going to pass a performance enhancing test while he’s banging Madonna. Look at that freak. No way sharing body fluids with her will help him pass his test. Arod might as well screw Lou Ferrigno in his prime instead of Madonna. At least he’d have less testosterone running through his veins afterwards.
First, I have no idea who Chris Brown is other than the fact that he just got the cuffs slapped on him. I assume he is a singer and not a rapper. If he is a rapper, he needs to work on his rappy name. Chris Brown is the name of the guy who is about to lose his job at Circuit City not some hard core rapper. I do give him props for trying to give himself some street cred but if you are going to go that route try leaving your female out of it. You are at the Grammys. Just pick the most feminine guy there. I’m sure you could find Justin Timberlake. He’d go down with a jab faster than Elton John. That’s not going to earn you respect on my streets but you’d get your name in the press. You should have just told the police she hit her eye on the coffee table playing Wii. Not that smacking Rihanna doesn’t get you some name recognition. Anyway, I now have heard of you so mission accomplished. You, Chris Brown, receive the first Ike award for the 2009 year. Not exactly a Grammy but it is still an award.
Who said used car dealers are sleazy? This pimp actually uses his 8 year old daughter in the same 30 second ad that he uses real life Augusta, Georgia prostitutes. If that is the quality of the hookers in Augusta, then you can probably save a few bucks and go with the Hyundai. No need to try and impress these hoes by going big league with a Chrysler. However, Syphilis is probably easier to get off of leather seats than cloth seats. Dance!
This years Super Bowl commercials pretty much sucked. How hard is it to put a Victoria Secret model in a bikini for 30 seconds? That formula always seems to work. If you are that low on money, just give Johnny Knoxville a ramp, a bottle of Jim Beam and a box of Russian fireworks. He would not disappoint you. Instead it was the same boring corporate marketing.
One commercial did stand out this year. Big Ol’ Jon’s Car Lot really captured the country’s imagination. Big Ol’ Jon is pretty much doing everything but date raping big city prices. Enjoy.
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