Archive for October, 2009

Oprah Visits Texas State Fair

Posted in fat people with tags , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2009 by Straight Cash Homey

fried butter balls

If you build it, fatties will come.  For years the Texas fair has deep fried everything that anybody south of the Red River could think of as being somewhat edible.  For the first time, some genius came up with frying butter.  I have no idea how this works.  In theory you would just end up slurping up melted butter and grease.  The picture above actually looks pretty good.  You use some form of dough and then wrap butter inside and drop it into the fry daddy.  Pretty simple and pretty amazing that this hasn’t been thought of before now.   It also took Oprah all of a week to hear about this latest food idea and bring her show to Texas.  The last time she came to Texas she was hauled into court for driving the prices of beef down.  All she did was said she wasn’t eating beef and the price dropped.  I never thought she’d come back to Texas but that was before deep fried butter.

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Give the Man His McNuggets

Posted in Fast Food, fat people with tags , , , , , , on October 10, 2009 by Straight Cash Homey

Can you not take your family out for a nice dinner anymore?  These fine people are trying to enjoy a nice afternoon of shopping and fine dining until this fool completely loses it.  I’m sure you can go to any Mcdonald’s or Wal-mart in the country and find similar behavior.  Granted, this video isn’t exactly catching Bigfoot riding in on a Unicorn but it still captures what I want to think is pretty unique human behavior.  This is exactly why you cannot combine a McDonald’s and a Wal-mart.  You can combine a high end Vegas casino with a 5 star French restaurant but lets just keep these two separate.   This fatty spends what was probably 2 minutes waiting on his chicken nuggets and he loses it.  Never mind the fact that he thinks he ordered this 30 minutes ago.  Never mind the fact that he cusses when there are families with kids.  Never mind that he probably ate 7 Big Macs an hour earlier.  Never mind that there is an entire frozen food section 15 feet away from him.  Never mind the fact that he could walk away with his dignity for $2.39 in lost nuggets.  Fatty is hungry.  Deal with it.  Thank you for shattering all stereotypes.

USA Bombs the Moon

Posted in news with tags , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2009 by Straight Cash Homey

armageddon

Have we really ran out of Middle Eastern sand traps to bomb?  How many bombs do we build a year that we have to now start randomly bombing the moon?  Tonight we are preparing to shoot a rocket into the moon to explode a bomb in order to crash the surface to see if we can find ice.  The Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite (LCROSS) project is going to cost us 79 million.   Could we not just save a few bucks and drop some bottle rockets in Sarah Palin’s front yard?  I am guessing that Obama is not going Letterman on an intern or discovered oil on the moon.  There is no need to shoot off any bombs.  This is sounding more and more like a bad Bruce Willis flick.  Are we sure that the giant hunk of rock that I can see from my backyard is going to stay up there?  This is sounding more like an idea from an Oklahoma 4th of July drunkfest than a NASA experiment.  Finally, did anybody see Armageddon with a straight face.  Ben Affleck, Billy Bob Thornton, Bruce Willis and Owen Wilson all save the world?  Good job Hollywood.

Lindsay Lohan Diet

Posted in diet, Entertainment Section with tags , , , on October 4, 2009 by Straight Cash Homey

lookingbeatungaro

Quick disclaimer.  I am not a doctor, nutritionist, or dietitian.  However, I am able to recognize that something is not working for you Lindsay.  You are 23 years old and look like a 95 year old Sharon Stone.  How could this happen?  You are not working 60 hours a week at a coal mine.  You are not working at the Bunny Ranch.  You pretty much are not working period.  How could you reverse Benjamin Button it so quickly?

Let’s take a look at this.  I’m going to start with the Red Bull & Vodka which keeps your heart racing and your brain alert to enjoy more Red Bull & Vodka.  The cycle just never stops.  Replace that with water and get some sleep.  Next, cocaine should only be used for special occasions like the weekend.  Finally, switch from Marlboro to Marlboro Lites and only smoke them after 9am.  Again, there is nothing wrong with aging.  It is a natural human process.  However, Lindsay Lohan should not receive the senior citizen discount every time she eats at Denny’s.  Enough of the Golden Girls look.