Archive for the Breaking News Category

Time for more gender tests?

Posted in Breaking News with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 13, 2009 by Straight Cash Homey

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It is never a good sign when you have to take a test to prove your gender.  It is even worse when it takes 3 weeks to figure out what is going on down there.  Caster Semenya will now need to check all of the above or none of the above on the next census.  Now that this is clear.  Who needs to take the test next?  Serena Williams has more testosterone flowing through her then the entire Nebraska offensive line last night.   Carolina should probably test Jake Delhomme after his 5 turnover game today.  Is there any reason not to test the entire Bengals team after losing at home to the Denver Broncos?  Rams should just quit while down 28-0 and line up at the free clinic.  We can probably go ahead and schedule A-Rod for this October.

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King of Pop RIP

Posted in Breaking News with tags , , on June 28, 2009 by Straight Cash Homey

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I’m sure many of you are aware by now, but if not, I will be the first to break the news to you.  Michael Jackson is dead.   I have not issued my official statement yet because I’m not really sure what to think.  MTV has cut away from their programming of teen whores who got knocked up to do a decent tribute.  It has been so long since the guy was in the news that you forget how talented he was which sucks for the guy but that is something he brought on himself.

OJ Simpson was a hall of fame running back.  He was found not guilty for killing his wife.  Barry Bonds is the home run king and he never tested positive for steroids.  Michael Jackson was never found guilty of sleeping with young boys.  The problem is that if you honestly ask yourself did he do something wrong with those boys, 99% will say yes.  I cannot overlook that and neither should anybody else no matter how much you want to bust out a thriller dance in your living room.

There are lessons to be learned from this.  The first is that you should never let young boys spend the night nor give them booze and porn.  That should be obvious.  The second lesson is that if you spend more than you make you will eventually run out of money and people will stop lending you money.  You will find yourself doing 50 concerts for some blokes overseas.  The final lesson is you should stop being weird.  Its pretty simple.  If Jackson followed these three lessons, he would be kicking back at Neverland Ranch doing whatever he wanted to do with money in the bank and respect.

Kung Fu

Posted in Breaking News with tags , , , , , on June 7, 2009 by Straight Cash Homey

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Not a good week for Kung Fu fans or the Thailand Tourism Agency.  I’m not sure what the family of David Carradine was thinking when they disputed the early suicide reports.  You might have been better off by simply stating he was depressed over accidentally wasting 3 dollars on a tranny hooker and decided to end it.  Now you have the news of him doing who knows what with a rope and his deviant imagination.  Of course in Thailand this is considered dying of natural causes.  That is a messed up country but I’m sure this was not the strangest story of the day coming out of that place.  You freaks need to either get a spotter or a hooker with a little knot loosening experience.

Tears of a Clown

Posted in Breaking News with tags , , , , on June 1, 2009 by Straight Cash Homey

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Who said clowns are creepy?  Sure they scare little kids and freak out adults but does that make them creepy?  I have no idea what they are doing in this picture.  If you are going to carry a casket, you may want to use the somber face paint.  The guy in the red hair looks a little too happy right now to be putting Bozo in the ground.  I’m sure they have just traumatized another generation.  Nice going Clown.

Don’t mess with Wild Man

Posted in Breaking News with tags , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2009 by Straight Cash Homey

Just in case you ever want to rob the Wild Man’s Country Store in Hartsville, don’t mess with Kelly Simpson.  The Wild Man can take a lug wrench to the skull and still pop a cap in you.  Granted he tried to shot the guy in the face and ended up shooting 2 holes in his own window.  You still do not mess with Wild Man.  Let this be a warning.

Yes We Can

Posted in Breaking News with tags , , , , , , on January 20, 2009 by Straight Cash Homey

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I’m guessing most of you who visit our site do not follow politics.  We are here for you.  The votes are counted and Obama won today.  There you go.  More importantly, we get four years of the Obama Girl.  I can probably be cool with about 4 months before I get tired of her but she brings hope.  Hope to all young pageant girls who thought that they peaked in life when they won the 2003 Miss NYC Hawaiian Tropic pageant.  Hope to any hot chic who can put on a bikini and has at least dial up access.  Hope to me that an 85 year old Hugh Hefner can find it in his heart to let her pose nude for him.  Today is all about hope.  Tomorrow is about change.  I am hoping the Obama girl changes out of that bikini and hits the March issue of Playboy for me.  Keep hope alive and always believe in change.

Stupid Baby Names

Posted in Breaking News with tags , , , , , , , , on January 14, 2009 by Straight Cash Homey

There is breaking news out of New Jersey tonight.  The boy known as Little Adolph Hitler and his sisters were removed from their idiot parents by the Child Protection Agency.  Personally, I think they should have let the French get another crack at removing Hitler but what can you do.  I’m not sure what took the authorities so long to figure this one out.  The younger sisters were named Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler.  Why did it take them three years?  There was no reason for the removal given but we can assume that it is because of the names and the fact that the parents are idiots.  That should be a good enough reason to remove a kid.  We should give them free reign on this stupid new celebrity baby naming trend.  Can we now put Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz on notice?  Let’s see stupid name (check) and idiot parents (check).   Don’t worry Bronx Mowgli Wentz.  Help is on the way.