The French are really coming through for us this month. First, they gave us the World’s Best Ass competition a few weeks ago. Now, they have discovered Candied Bacon Ice Cream. This is more than just mixing bacon into your old school vanilla ice cream. I cannot believe we had to wait for France to come up with this. What are they teaching in Alabama culinary schools?
Archive for the Health Food Category
Like most overweight Americans, my doctor informed me that I should limit my red meat intake to only 4 meals a day. That is great advice if I happened to be a Somalian villager but the fact is I need a little more than 200 calories a day to survive. However, my doctor assured me that eating things like turkey and tuna fish would allow me to keep my active lifestyle. I have decided to take him up on the offer. Unlike 2oz cans of tuna fish, the turkey comes in the hungry man size of 25lbs. Finally, I can open one package and eat. The problem is that it has to be in the oven for 8 hours.
Our fat friends from Louisiana have it figured out. You take your turkey and drop it in a bucket of hot grease for 5 minutes. What could go wrong by combining cooking oil heated up to 800 degrees with dumb, drunk and hungry rednecks? Actually, quite a bit. You basically get two results. Either Jeb spends Thanksgiving in the burn center, or your house goes the way of a So Cal forest. My solution is to call the local Hazmat team who are sitting on their ass counting Homeland Security money. You will need to just wrestle the fried turkey from them before they hit it with the hose. They will sometimes hose you anyway but it does wash the grease from your chest and the cold water acts as a defibrillator to jump start you into the afternoon.
We have a new feature for our column. Our East Texas correspondent, Randy Taylor, reviews the Jimmy Dean 12 oz. Regular Sausage Roll. For our readers up north, Mr. Taylor will not review your Sage or Maple Flavored Sausage. He is a Texas man therefore; he is only going to review the Regular flavor. Please do not ask.
As I walked into my favorite place in the world, the grocery store, I had the enthusiasm of a 5 year old on Christmas morning. As I walked in after waiting for 20 minutes to get the closest possible spot to the front door, normally I would b line for the nearest senior citizen offering me a taste of the latest Tostinos pizza bite flavor but i got winded and needed a place to sit down. I wandered somewhere new where I saw beautiful lush greenery, all colors of the world glistening with fresh dew. I couldn’t figure out why the supermarket would put a park in the middle of the store. Imagine my surprise when I saw a woman that looked very much like Calista Flockheart walk up to one of those plants and take a bite. I was horrified to find out they were for sale and they were meant to be EATEN. Now forgive me for being naive but aren’t those things supposed to be used as decoration next to the meat on my plate? What jackass walked by a tree in the forest and noticed some fungus and said “Hey lets eat that”. Some skinny peace of shit I would imagine. After stopping for a second to urinate on the “lettuce” if that is its real name, I moved on to the place where the real men where and got myself 5 pounds of ground cow for dinner. Fuck you vegetables.
Oh, look that skinny bitch brought breakfast. Did she bring breakfast burritos? No. How about some nice bacon and eggs? Of course not. What about doughnuts? Everybody loves doughnuts. Hell No. She has an earth friendly paper sack that has whole wheat bagels. As an added bonus, you get to choose your favorite fruit or vegetable topping on this to make sure you get the taste of a something healthy in your mouth for the rest of the morning. How do you choose between flavors such as plain, tomato or pumpkin? Is it too much to ask for a tub of the shit they put on cinnamon rolls or maybe chocolate frosting? Could you at least spring for the butter flavored Crisco?
So now I have to put a yamaka on which makes my head look huge and fight through the line while the 130lb dudes debate on whether to eat half of the bagel or a quarter of it. Now it is my turn to look in the sack and I spot the one with the sesame seeds on top. Holy Shit. Maybe they put a double cheeseburger in the sack! Nope. Its something called a sesame seed bagel. Fatty gets fucked again.