Archive for the Holidays Category

Mall Santa Hates

Posted in Holidays with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

santa

What do you get when you add a red suit, a white beard and a fat guy?  The good old Mall Santa.  If you are like me and have a $30 dollar a day snickers habit, any part time job is appreciated.  This year I spend a few hours taking pictures with kids and so I can get to super size my order a few more times a day.  It is not as easy as I thought it would be.  Here are the biggest complaints from the Mall Santa.

1) Crying Kids – How does a four year old already need psychological help?  Your mom is three feet away.  Toughen up kid.  Unless you plan on to grow up to coach the Rams, life is going to be rough on you.  Nobody likes a crier.

2) Rich Suburban Kids – You are 5 years old and your mom spent more on your matching outfit than I did on my entire wardrobe.  The last thing I need to hear is that you want a new surround sound for your home theater in your room.  Go to hell.

3) Snotty Kids – I am sorry kid.  I cannot hear what you want because you just sneezed in my face.  Did I hear Kleenex or Vitamin C?  How about Santa bringing you an immune system?  You do not live in a third world country.  Go away.

4) High School Girls – I am sorry wrong list.  How did that get there?  People in line seem to get mad when I spend 45 minutes making sure I get everything on their list.  Don’t judge me.

5) Gay Guys – Don’t even think about sitting here fruitcake.  Let me guess.  You want soccer equipment, Philadelphia Eagles gear, or the new High School Musical DVD.  How did I know?  Not that difficult.

6) Elves – Can we not just waive the child labor laws for just this purpose?  No offense, but I get really freaked out by the “little people” in Elves costumes.  Do they get less than minimum wage?  Not sure how that works.  Just stay out of my way.

There are many more complaints than the ones that I have listed.   However, the extra $55 that I made this week is somewhat worth it.

Quincy Carter Christmas

Posted in Holidays with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

qc

If you are still looking for the Christmas gift for that Cowboys fan you hate, I have found the gift for you.  The NFL Shop has throwback jerseys and for $499 you can have an autographed Quincy Carter jersey that they will preserve in a frame for you to mount proudly on your wall.  At this point, I doubt QC would be caught dead in his own jersey but it is there for the taking.  Please click this link and notice that they call it Mounted Memories.  I am not making this up.  Is there any better term for the Quincy Carter Era than Mounted Memories?  Don’t gloat Eagle fans.  Donovan McNabs is 79 bucks on the same site.

Click to see this great piece of Dallas Cowboys history.

And Yes Veronda, There is a McNabb Jersey for $79

Bad Gifts for the Fat Guy

Posted in Holidays with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

We gave you gift ideas for fatty and stocking stuffers for the fat guy which I hope you have used.  Many of you think that you know that fat guy in your life better than we do so you can go at it alone.  Go ahead and disappoint like you normally do.  Just do us a favor and stay away from these items.

wicker-chair

Wicker Furniture. Look how stylish and practical this is.  You can pick it up and move it anywhere.  Of course you can.  Why? Because it is made out of sticks.  Unfortunately, I do not live in an African hut.  Do you really think that this is going to end well?   I can see it now.  I’ll have more bamboo shoots up my ass then I did in Nam.  Great gift!   I now look like a freaking porcupine.

fanny-pack

Fanny Pack Wow, look it is a fanny pack.  I will look really European at the futbal soccer match.  Or, maybe not.  I understand you think that I cannot walk ten feet without eating and this is a great place to put a ham sandwich.  Hell, the guy in the picture above had a small mouth bass in his.  The problem is getting this around my waist.  Better yet, how will this go around my wrist?  You failed.

richard-simmons

Sweating to the Oldies You mean that I can stop whatever is on my television set to watch a fruit in John Stockton shorts jump up and down with a herd of fat old ladies?  Better yet, I can get off the couch and join in the fun.  If you think this is a good idea, go to the first page of our website and start reading.  Idiot.

i-am-king-sean-combs

I am King by Puff Daddy Is that no talent I am smelling?  Yes it is.  Wear this and you too can mumble through somebody else’s rap tracks and design track suits with your name on them.  Then, you can come up with stupid nicknames for your self and change them every few years.  Next, you’ll lose your girl to a 4’11 Puerto Rican crooner.  No thank you Sean Combs.  Women prefer the scent of red meat, bacon, french fries and sweat.

Stocking Stuffers for the Fat Guy

Posted in Holidays with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 6, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

We gave you some great gift ideas for the fat guy and gave you bad gift ideas to avoid.  Hopefully, you took our advice and followed our list.  We now have a few stocking stuffers that will bring joy on Christmas morning.

giantremote

The Giant Remote.  There is only one thing more frustrating than not being able to find the remote.  That is finding the remote in the folds of your elbow.  Drop this in the fat guy’s stocking and you eliminate that ordeal.  This remote also allows you to change the channel accurately.  I cannot tell you how many times my index finger hits 5 different buttons at once.  Give this gift and there will never be reason you are forced to watch the Rosie Variety Show again.

bullhorn

The Bullhorn.  You don’t have to be Al Sharpton to own a bullhorn.  The bullhorn is very under used in the fat community.   Think of the last time you wanted that third piece of pie but the waitress ignored you.  She is not going to look the other way when you blast her with 500 decibels.  I also use this at fast food joints.  Why tell some high school kid at the register when you get shout it back to the kitchen.  You cut out the middle man and get your food to you by the time you can say Baconator.  No Justice. No Peace.

ham-basket1

The Ham of the Month Club.  This gift really sends a message to the fat guy and the hog.  The fat guy knows that once a month he is going to walk out to the mailbox and have the delight of a mailbox full of pork.  The hog has to worry about his fate the entire year and not just the holiday season.  The gift that keeps on giving.

loaf

Meatloaf.  No, I am not talking about the sweaty showtoon singer who is fat as hell.  I’m literally talking about a loaf of meat.  What a great surprise it would be to reach down into your stocking Christmas Morning and pull out a fist full of meat.  I’m getting hungry thinking about it.

Christmas Gifts for the Big Man

Posted in Holidays with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

Everybody dreads trying to find a gift for the guy who has everything.  What about the guy who eats everything?  Do you go the food route?  Try to size him up for clothes? It is not easy.  This is why we are here to give you the definitive gift buying guide for the fat guy.  Today, we will go down the easy road which is food.  Come back later for additional ideas if you feel guilty of being an enabler.  UPDATE: Stocking Stuffers for Fatty is posted.

UPDATE: Bad Gift Ideas for the Big Man

Hot Dog Roller Grill

hot-dog2

Finally, the fine folks at Grill-Max allow you to enjoy a nice home cooked meal.  There is nothing worse than having to sift through day laborers and teenage stoners just to get a meal.  No more 7-11’s for me.  This roller also has an added safety feature that allows you to manually shut the machine off and stop the rollers.  This comes in handy when you try to lick the grease off by accident.  There is nothing worse than getting your tongue stuck while the rollers drag your face across the hot grill.  You never really get used to that.

Cotton Candy Machine

cotton_candy_machine_

The Cotton Candy Machine is another gift that fatty will love.  Do you notice how all of the finer restaurants do not have cotton candy machines?  It has always sucked not being able to order a handful after a nice steak.  Now you do not have to be the creepy guy at the carnival just to eat cotton candy.  You can now be the creepy guy in your own living room while enjoying a mouthful of this stuff.  The great thing about cotton candy is the versatility.  Not only can you eat it but you can also wear it.  I make nice shirts, blankets, towels and tents.  You could drop me off on Mount Everest with just a cotton candy machine and I would last a month.  That is the Native American in me.  Do not try this on your own.

Corn Dog Fryer

corndog

Every fat man worth a damn has a Fry Daddy.  Hell, I have 3 just in case the other two go out during breakfast.  The Corn Dog Fryer is something special.  This allows you to fry six at a time.  The best feature is the metal clamp that holds all six corn dogs.  This prevents the fat guy from getting excited and sticking his hand in the hot grease.  You no longer have to risk a 9th degree burn on your hand just to enjoy food on a stick.

Hickory Farms Handyman Toolbag

hickory-farms-handyman-tool-belt

This tool bag is for the working man.  You will have a full supply of every meat product, cheese and meat by product in the Hickory Farms lineup.   The great thing about this tool bag is that it doubles as an actual tool bag.  The drawback is that none of the meat or cheese included needs refrigeration.  I am not a doctor but that can’t be good.  I suggest you eat all seven pounds within the first hour to avoid a bad afternoon.

Hot Cheese Dispenser

nacho-and-chili-warmer1

The Hot Cheese Dispenser is great for kitchens and bathrooms.  Can you think of a meal that is not better with cheese?  I hate salads as much as the next guy but a few gallons of cheese will make you feel like you are not eating healthy.  You may choose a model that allows you to fit your head between a dispenser and the base.  This is great for the big man who does not have a big woman to wash dishes.  I know your next question.  Why would you put this in the bathroom?  My question is why doesn’t Colgate develop Nacho flavor toothpaste?  Now, you don’t have to wait.


Thanksgiving Hates

Posted in Holidays with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

turkeyfire

Thanksgiving is really a simple holiday.  You eat as much as humanly possible and you watch football.  There really should not be any complaints.  Especially since this holiday was designed for the big man.  It just so happens that I have a few things that I hate about Thanksgiving that does not involve my heritage.

  1. Dieters – I do not mind the fact that you eat small amounts.  I just hate to listen you remind me of your diet every other bite.  It is one meal for only one day of the year.  Shut the hell up and put some food in your mouth.  I don’t care how many carbs a hot roll has or how many fat grams your salad dressing contains.  Live a little.
  2. People who show up empty handed – OK, you decide at the last minute to bring your family of six to my house and you bring only for appetites.  Did you forget something loser?  Oh, I get it, your wife does not really cook and you did not have time to stop off at Wal-Mart.  I have to now make my meal for seven stretch to a meal for thirteen.  That means less for me and yes, we have a problem.
  3. People who eat half of their plate and offer it to me. I see you loaded the plate down and are starting to slow down.  You finally give up and instead of just either going the full nine innings; you decide you need a relief pitcher.  Just throw your food away.  There is nothing more demeaning to the big man then to be looked at as one step above the trash can.  If I am still hungry and we are out of food, I have no problem digging through the garbage myself.
  4. Paper or Plastic Plates I know I am not eating at the Trump Mansion, but is it too much to ask to eat off of a standard plate?  I am not testing driving a Prius.  I should not have to worry about torsion and weight distribution of my food.
  5. Detroit Lions Thanksgiving should be about football.  Whatever you are doing out there is not football.  Why are you on my television set while I am trying to enjoy my lunch?  I know it has been a rough year for you with the automakers and your team going 0-11.  You should be angry.  I just don’t understand how you can riot and burn half of Detroit down when you win but can’t overturn a single cop car when you lose every game.  Explain that logic.
  6. Black Friday This drives me crazy.  You are going to wake me up at 2am to go stand in line at Wal-Mart to buy a 19inch tv for $99.  You can by the same tv for $104 any other day of the year.  Or you can wait until next week and buy it for $96.  I know you don’t understand so shut up and set your alarm.  Who doesn’t want to wait in line 5 hours in freezing cold to save $4.

Other than that this is my second favorite holiday of the year.

Native American Thanksgiving

Posted in Holidays with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

redskins-indian

People stop me all the time to see how excited I am that Thanksgiving is only a few days away.  Many people believe that I should love a holiday based purely around eating until you collapse.  Big freaking deal.  That is pretty much everyday for me so I really do not need the government to give me a day off to do it.  What many of you do not realize is that I have about 50lbs of what you call Indian blood trying to circulate through my veins.  That changes things doesn’t it smartass.  Now ask me again, how I like Thanksgiving without that smirk.

Thanksgiving to my people is nothing more than a day of mourning.  Here is a little history lesson they didn’t teach you in school.  You did not share anything with us.  Do you honestly think that you could chase down and kill a turkey while you are dressed like a door to door life insurance salesman?  Your people were starving to death with your stupid hats and belt buckles.  We brought all the turkey, dressing, corn, salads and pies.  You came over to our land and ate our food while watching the Lions get their asses kicked.  What did you bring?  I can’t remember.  Oh, that’s right.  You bought small pox and some deeds to the most worthless land in Oklahoma, which is the worst place on earth. Thank you for sharing all of that with my people.  We also really appreciate you making this a holiday to give us a day off to remind us to give thanks.  Enjoy your turkey.