Archive for the Rants Category

Anorexic

Posted in Rants with tags , , , , , , on November 9, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

We would like to thank Youtube sensation Kige Ramsey for this public service announcement about the dangers of Anorexic.  It is never too early to be tested for Anorexic.  Normally, you can simply step on the scale and if you see two digits then you should see your doctor.  Prevention is the key.  We recommend for you to avoid Souper Salads, Mosquitoes, Subway, and having unprotected sex with Nicole Richey.  If you feel that you may have contracted Anorexic, you should go to Wendy’s and see if this helps.  Sometimes eating a Baconator and Vitamin C will get rid of Anorexic.

The more you know….

Plumber Marketing

Posted in Rants with tags , , , , , on October 22, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

I was struggling to find something to write about tonight and I see this nice commercial from our friends at Liquid Plumr.  They have pretty much been recycling the same chemicals for 50 years but now they hired a marketing department.   Lets combine the ass crack image of the word Plumber with the term “Foaming Pipe Snake”.  Now you have a plumber with a foaming pipe snake in your bathroom trying to do work.  Nice visual there Liquid Plummr.  Job well done.

5 Skinny People We Hate

Posted in Rants with tags , , , , on October 22, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey
5. Keira Knightley – Like I don’t already feel bad enough about not being able to get chicks. I have to stare at this hot stick figure that I could bench press.  If someone would force a sandwich down her throat she would be an angel.
4. Lance Armstrong – OK I get it, you are the best athlete in the world.  I’m getting tired of seeing you everywhere talking about how fit you are.  I’m most pissed that I can’t get one of those Live Strong bracelets on my wrist.
3. Bill Gates – Not only are you skinny, you are also filthy rich.  If I had the money you had I would buy a time machine, go back in time when you were a teenager and stick your head in a toilet. (P.S. Please don’t destroy our site)
2. Shawn Bradley – Really Shawn?  You are 14 feet tall, you somehow made it into professional basketball, yet you can’t gain 50 pounds so you don’t get dunked on by every player in the NBA?  Here is something that worked for me, try the Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger at Jack in the Box jackass.
1. Gandhi – Now don’t get angry here people, he was a great man that preached peace and understanding.  However he also started the skinny trend, I guarantee you back in his day you could have heard this on the streets “Man, that Gandhi looks awesome.  I think I’m going to skip the desert”  Thanks a lot.

Bloomberg.com and Old Strippers

Posted in Financial, Rants with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 21, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

Nobody understands the market conditions and economy like our friends at Bloomberg and it just so happens that I am a food stamp away from mugging you.  So I thought that I would head over to Bloomberg for some financial advice.  While most financial sites are discussing the market and the current sub-prime lending crisis, Bloomberg found time to interview Leigh Sogoloff, a 36-year-old stripper from Rick’s Cabaret in Vegas.  Really Bloomberg, a 36 year old stripper?  That equates in stripper math to a 104 year old woman shaking her ass for the rent. Guess what?  Ol’ Leigh’s not doing so well these days.  I’ve linked the hard hitting financial article below but I’ll save you the time.

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601109&sid=a5I2yxVie96I&refer=exclusive

Ladies, your husbands are now spending your McDonalds money on the 22 year old strippers instead of the old lady strippers like Leigh.  Poor Ms. Sogoloff only rakes 6 grand a month instead of the 30 large she used to earn.  That’s not a lot in the stripper world.   After cocaine, valtrex and taxes, we are talking around 500 bucks a month.  Screw her and thanks for nothing Mr Bloomberg.  Now I have no idea what to do with my mortgage with the 22.9% interest rate and my investment portfolio that has dropped 50% in the last 3 weeks.  Luckily, I can still eat pork-n-beans off of my Dale Earhnhardt collector plates so my portfolio is not at a complete loss.  As for any 36 year old strippers out there, please diversify your portfolios and manage risk appropriately in your RETIREMENT.

Things Fat People Hate: Wheel of Fortune

Posted in Rants with tags , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

Well I just got back from my tryout for Wheel of Fortune and it makes me realize how much I hate that show. As a portly African American woman I know my fuckin rights and I think they are racist against fat people. Why is that everytime I would spin the wheel Pat Sajak’s punk ass would keep coaxing me into saying “F”, the bad thing was that the letter was already picked three damn times.  Plus when Pat would walk around he was always hugging on the skinny bitches, when I tried to get some of that sweet white meat he was always two arms length from me. Damn racist saying they kicked me off because whenever they would call for the contestant in the blue I would yell out a letter but when they called for the contestant in the yellow I yelled out a letter too. Bitch I am in the yellow and the blue so I don’t see no problem.

Pregnant White Rappers

Posted in Rants with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

Ya it worked for Amy Poehler.  I’ll admit she pulled it off Saturday Night.  But lets just put a stop to any future white pregnant rappers before any of you knocked up bitches get any ideas.  Nobody and I mean nobody wants to see you try to rhyme and waive your hands like you just don’t care.  No we don’t care.  We don’t care that your pregnant and we don’t want to hear about it let alone hear you rap about it.  Its called a maternity leave.  Use it and whine to the lucky baby’s daddy.

Now, if you have a social life like I do and actually left the house on Saturday Night,  here is the clip your loser coworkers are yapping endlessly about today.

http://nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/update-palin-rap/773781/

Things Fat People Hate: Jeans

Posted in Rants with tags , , , , , , on October 19, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

pants_are_too_small1

As a heavy set trucker I have a lot of rants. Traffic jams, a nationwide truck stop shortage of white crosses and my sister’s decision to be a truckstop whore, but one thing that really burns my ass is jeans. What skinny ass bitch decided these things would be a good invention? The last time that I tried to deal w/ them I had to take short term disability for 6 mths, so I am deciding that I’m gonna go tit for tit with them and calling them out in this blog. First why is it that every time I decide to wear black jeans at night I have cars ramming me in my ass. I know I have a big ass and its night but my ass is not a tunnel, highway underpass, or a dark place for teens to make out.  Secondly, why are these bitches so hard to put on? Every time I think, let me just slide something on real quick, it takes 13 hrs. By the time I get them on I have to take them back off because they have been road tested and have philly cheese steak stains and smell like liquid smoke. Lastly, why do they have to be made out of denim? One night I was getting ready for a run to the big man capital of the world Amarillo, TX and started a small fire in my cab when rubbed my flinty ass against the captain chair (f.y.i. Geico doesn’t cover that in their policies).

Signed

Hungry and Hopeless in Mexia, TX