Archive for the Transportation Category

Watch the Birdie

Posted in Transportation with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2009 by Straight Cash Homey

pigeons3

Nice job US Airways.  You lucked out that your pilot, Chesley Sullenberger III, knew what the hell he was doing.  He is a hero and all of that but come on.  How can a 5lb bird knock your 747 out of the air?  This is not a Looney Toones episode.  Your 800k lb plane was disabled because a bird flew into it.  I run into pigeons while jogging all the time and it never causes me to break stride except when I am hungry.  We are not talking about a Stinger Missile.  A freaking bird did this.  (Note to our Al Qaeda readers…You cannot train pigeons) I’m not an aerospace engineer but maybe you should put some chicken wire outside of your engine.  Your average Arkansas  farmer can show you how that works.  You never know when a bird is going to come out of nowhere.  This is why I only fly on my Gulfstream.

Don’t forget the other reason not to fly commercial.  (Click Here)

Tiddy Bear

Posted in Transportation with tags , , , , , , , , on December 23, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

Great last minute gift for the ladies in your life.  I am sure she always complains about the seat belt strap.  I usually just put my hand there to easy the tension but some prudes cannot handle it.  The Tiddy Bear takes care of this awkward situation.  I am hoping they can invent a product that relieves the pain from the lap portion of the seat belt.  I’ll just stick a stuffed animal down there until they figure out something.

Window seat for two please

Posted in Transportation with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 24, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

fat-dude-on-plane

Finally some good news.  Canada has ruled that fat people do not have to pay for two airline seats.  Thank you Canada.  I will probably fly up for some free health care after the holiday eating season is over in January.  I normally get two meals for my trips so I expect this practice to continue.  I know this is going to upset some of our readers who pay $15 per bag to shove in a 2×2 foot bin.  Just because you pay for excess baggage does not mean that I have to pay for my excess personal baggage.  You can leave that extra pair of shoes at home.  My extra 250lbs is coming with me.  Keep getting angry because I’m probably going to spill over to the third one you will be forced to sit in.  I love to fly and it shows.

Boating

Posted in Transportation with tags , , , , , on November 5, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

Thank God, summer is over so I do not have to deal with everybody’s little weekend getaway.  The beach you ask?  Hell no.  I am talking about the hillbilly ocean other wise known as the lake.  It is bad enough that I have to take my shirt off which forces me to spend 75 bucks on 2 gallons of sunscreen to cover my back.  Now I have to fake as if I enjoy rocking back and forth in a boat in 105 degree weather.  This is why I hate boating.

  1. Water Skiing – People are always encouraging me to get some exercise.  What better way to exercise than being drug by a boat like a laketrash Spiderman?  Let me get this straight.  I will hold on to a rope while you skim me across a body of water.  Ya that sounds like a great time.  Unfortunately, boat engines are not designed to plow fields, tow cars or pull me on top of the water.  If you are lucky, you will only pull the back end of the boat off instead of blowing the engine.  My bad Skipper.  Try a rowboat next time.
  2. Life jacket – Let me guess.  You are going to sing fat guy in a little coat.  Funny. That is real original.  I never heard that one before except every day in the winter.  Since water skiing is out of the question, I would like a life jacket to protect me if I fell out of the boat.  Unfortunately, there is no way in hell that this thing does anything more than allows me to drown slowly which is every drowning victims dream.
  3. Flotation – You would think that they might have figured the science of floating back when they were hunting for Moby Dick.   I can’t sit in the front, I can’t sit in the back and if I sit on either side of the boat, it goes in circles.  The only solution is to sit in a 2×2 area right in the center.  If I shift my weight 6 inches to the left, I tip over my Fry Daddy.  Hot grease and bare feet are a bad combination.
  4. Drowning – We already discussed the inadequacies of the life jacket.  Let’s say I happen to fall into the water.  Is there any way in hell that David Hasselhoff remotely makes eye contact with me while I’m screaming?  Will Pam Anderson dive in and save me?  Those idiots will run in slow motion while I drop like an anvil.

Pogo Sticks

Posted in Transportation with tags , , , , , , , , on October 30, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

I talked earlier about the pitfalls concerning the Rascal.  After turtling one too many times, I decided to seek alternative methods of transportation.  My health conscious friends suggested a good old fashioned pogo stick.  They told me all I needed to do was to jump off of my porch and aim myself to Wendy’s.  My momentum should carry me right to a tasty baconator.  Once again, they were wrong.  Here are the pitfalls of using a pogo stick.

  1. Potholes- Yes you should avoid them but the problem is actually causing them.  This is not your Grandfather’s asphalt.  There is a danger of falling through the street and a larger danger of receiving a bill from the city.  That $42 lunch at Wendy’s could end up costing you several thousand dollars.  Proceed with caution.
  2. Crushed Vertebrae- Your spine is not meant to bounce up and down like Miss Louisiana on prom night.  I’m not a neurosurgeon but I will go out on a limb and say that this is bad for the C2-C6 Vertebrae.
  3. Construction Sites- The dirty construction worker will see you coming and step in front of you.  Why would they do that you ask? Because they are too damn lazy to operate the jackhammer.  True, you will have that pavement busted up in no time but that is not the point.  Do your own job you Village People rejects.
  4. Newton’s Third Law – You college dropouts have no idea what I’m talking about right now and have probably stopped reading.  Here we go.  Newton’s Third Law states for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  This means that car alarms will sound, windows will break, pictures will fall off of walls, global warming will occur, sinkholes will appear, polar bears will die, the earth will move off its axis, Phillies will win the World Series, Al Gore will cry and the Rams will beat a 5 time Super Bowl champion.

As you can see it is just not worth it.  We will explore other forms of transportation in future columns but for right now just stick to the Rascal and avoid the sharp turns.

The Rascal

Posted in Transportation with tags , , , , on October 26, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

The Rascal aka the Fattie Gocart is probably the greatest invention since the Jager Shot Machine.  You would think that there is no way I can complain about this one.  Let me tell you it is not always rainbows and butterflies when it comes to this man mover.  Here are the limitations that I have experienced.

1) The Top Shelf.  This is obvious because you are limiting your caloric consumption to only the bottom three feet of the store.  There is nothing more frustrating than that bag of Cheetos just out of reach of your grasp.  This presents a huge danger as a slight weight shift can result in you tipping that bad boy over and causing a domino effect on the shelves.

2) The 400 pound limit.  We discussed weight limits in elevators and now this same dilemma rears its ugly head.  You weigh 325lbs which leaves you only 75lbs for groceries.  I usually go full spandex to get around this because every little bit helps.  You can also cut weight like a fighter by sitting in the parking lot with your windows up for 20 minutes.  That should add 12lbs of grocery.

3) The Turtle.  Those two words send shock waves of fear through out the Rascal driving community.  Do not take corners sharply.  One sharp turn can cause you to flip over and land on your back without the possibility of rolling over.  Nobody will help you.  This is not a joke.

4) The Battery.  This is a problem because these batteries were made to move the slight weight of the elderly.  They had no idea we would take over.  I will have a flunky at Wal-mart charge about a half dozen and then I will pull in for a pit stop every two aisles.  You do not want to get stranded in the vegetable aisle.

5) The Looks of Disgust.  You have to fight through this one on your own.  You will be passed by knocked up women, 90 year old men with walkers, and crawling 2 year olds.  Deal with it.  If they talk smack, you have every right to hockey check them into the boards.

6)  The Unknown.  The best advice is to always be on the lookout.  You will have spills, tire blowouts, kids catching rides on your bumper, and the old granny who darts out in front of you out of nowhere.

Things Fat People Hate: Elevator Math

Posted in Rants, Transportation with tags , , , , , , , on October 18, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey
//www.sxc.hu/

Courtesy of Idac and http://www.sxc.hu/

Elevators.  Ya I said it. You judgmental bastards thought I was going to say stairs. Of course, I’m not going up the stairs. I’m not freaking Lance Armstrong. Lets see, do I want my socks to be soaked in my own sweat or do I want to press a button with my finger? Real tough one genius.

Here are the jackasses that I’m dealing with:

1) The people that look horrified at me, and then immediately to the maximum poundage on the wall, and then back at me. Ya, I get it but I don’t weigh 2300lbs. Look, there are only two of us in here. The elevator may take longer to go up a floor than an 1874 West Virginia coal mine elevator but it is going to get there. You pussy.
2) The dudes that cower in the corner and press themselves against the wall because they are afraid I’ll lose balance and crush them. Be a man and take a charge.
3) The judgmental bitches that wonder why I can’t just walk 12 steps to the next floor. No that is not my heart screaming, it is the elevator engine, and yes, I do need a snack between floors. Deal with it. I’m hungry.