What the hell? I’m just surprised Richard Simmons or Tony Little hasn’t endorsed this yet.
Archive for the TV Category
Who said used car dealers are sleazy? This pimp actually uses his 8 year old daughter in the same 30 second ad that he uses real life Augusta, Georgia prostitutes. If that is the quality of the hookers in Augusta, then you can probably save a few bucks and go with the Hyundai. No need to try and impress these hoes by going big league with a Chrysler. However, Syphilis is probably easier to get off of leather seats than cloth seats. Dance!
This years Super Bowl commercials pretty much sucked. How hard is it to put a Victoria Secret model in a bikini for 30 seconds? That formula always seems to work. If you are that low on money, just give Johnny Knoxville a ramp, a bottle of Jim Beam and a box of Russian fireworks. He would not disappoint you. Instead it was the same boring corporate marketing.
One commercial did stand out this year. Big Ol’ Jon’s Car Lot really captured the country’s imagination. Big Ol’ Jon is pretty much doing everything but date raping big city prices. Enjoy.
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We know that many of our readers will travel for the holidays. With that in mind, Monica Escamilla is here to deliver the Christmas weather forecast. To be honest, I really have no idea what she is saying. I think it is because I am not a meteorologist or because I cannot take my eyes off of her mountain region. It could also be the fact that I learned Spanish from watching Speedy Gonzales cartoons. Either way, she has caused a lower lever disturbance of epic proportions. We hope you enjoy. I am forecasting that Mayte Carranco, Jackie Guerrido, and Dominica Davis will soon join us. Happy Holidays and Feliz Navidad to our Spanish readers.
Don’t call it a comeback. Did anybody doubt that she would make it back to 2 bills. Really? We knew you had it in you Oprah. The diet experts, personal trainers, and Dr. Phil are not going to help you. Just be honest and tell America what your favorite things really are. We’ve talked about them here. We’ve have Wendy’s, we have McDonalds, we have KFC, we have Bacon Ice Cream and the list goes on and on.
There is one question that needs to be answered. Where does this put Oprah in the hottest women of afternoon talk? You have Rosie, Ellen and Oprah. You could probably throw in Dr. Phil and Judge Judy but we should just rank the Big 3. Are women that insecure that you have to give us that choice? Megan Fox can’t talk to celebs? This is a serious question and I demand answers.
When I first saw the commercial for Rosie O’Donnell’s variety show, I thought the same thing that everybody else thought. Man, John Madden really let himself go. But to my surprise, it was actually Rosie making her big comeback. For whatever reason, NBC decided to give her an hour to sing, dance and tell jokes. I’m not buying your crap NBC. You first give us Knight Rider without the Hoff and now this garbage. Put Rosie up against Kobayashi eating hot dogs and I might switch over and watch. I would even watch her headbutt a giant block of ice to see what would happen. However, there is no way in hell that I am watching that big headed monster sing and dance. Televisions were not designed for that melon head. I would need NASA to configure my TV to fit her cranium in my 65 inch screen. Sorry Rosie. We as a society are just not ready for your variety show. We will figure out something else for you to do in a later column. It’s not us it’s you.
I honestly have no idea who this is other than the fact that she is drunk, hot and in a Del Rio, Texas jail. Not bad. Who is she? My research staff tells me it is Mary Delgado who was in the reality show The Bachelor. (She is 41by the way) Her prize for winning The Bachelor was professional bass fisherman Bryon Velvick. Wow what a catch! A professional bass fisherman! No wonder why she’s a drunken mess. Even professional bowlers and rodeo clowns look down on professional bass fisherman. Poor dude probably clears about 13k a year and comes home smelling like fish every day.
Ladies, this is how you end up in a jail in Del Rio, Texas. You win Long John Silver on a reality show and he drags you to a lake to root him on while he spends 8 hours fishing. I don’t blame her for knocking a few back to ease her pain. But how drunk do you have to be to offend degenerates in a border town bar? Mary, you are better than that. I have $50 in bail money and a bus ticket that I’m sending your way. Congratulations. You earned it.