Archive for diet

Jared is back

Posted in Douchebags with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 6, 2009 by Straight Cash Homey

subway_jared

There is not a single fat person who hasn’t heard of the Legend of Jared.  I thought he finally went away but Subway is now back to using that douchebag.  I’m going to put this in the most simplistic terms for you clowns to understand.  Jared is the laziest fat person in history. Period.  The only reason he lost weight is because he was too damn lazy to drive down the street to McDonald’s.  If Wendy’s moved next door to him, he would dress out at 800 lbs.  Instead, his lazy ass would walk next door to Subway and eat that crap.  Honestly, how can your spokesperson be a guy who did nothing other than slowly starve himself to death.  This just tells me that your food is crap Subway.  A guy that eats himself to 425lbs cannot enjoy your food enough to gain weight by eating it.  Think about it Subway.  He hated your sandwiches so much that he lost 250lbs.  You suck Subway.  I would respect Jared’s weight loss if he went on the Biggest Loser and not eat crap that sucks.  Lose weight like a man Jared.

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2008 Cooking Show of the Year

Posted in 2008 Year End Awards with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 1, 2009 by Straight Cash Homey

The Food Network has replaced late night Cinemax for the fatty community.  For some reason, it is more socially acceptable to watch 14 hours straight of the Food Network then Scramblevision .  We are here to honor the accomplishments of the great TV chefs with the 2008 Cooking Show of the Year.  The nominees are:

  1. Boy Meets Grill – Bobby Flay combines two of my favorite elements with his use of fire and meat.  Flay cooks like a man is supposed to cook which is outdoors and on a grill.
  2. 30 Minute Meals – Rachel Ray answers the question that everybody has asked once in their lives.  What would happen if the Joker and the Penguin had a baby?  It would be none other than Rachel Ray.  One last thing Rachel, Nutrish is not a w0rd you idiot.
  3. Paula’s Home Cooking –  Paula Dean knows how to use the basic food groups of butter, bacon, grease and chocolate.  Her recipes have killed more dumb Southerners then rabid raccoon and hunting accidents combined.  Ladies, she should be your role model in the kitchen.
  4. Denise Milani Cooking – Denise Milani uses all of her skills in the kitchen to deliver a fantastic cooking show.  Ladies, she should be your role model in all rooms of the house and the front/back yard if the neighbors are not around.

And the winner is……

Denise Milani with her Salad with Some Breasts of Chicken recipe.  I am not sure if English is her first language.  She may be from Italy or may be a product of the Oklahoma public school system but who cares.  The show does a great job of using the overhead camera angle around 5:10 and she gets rid of that restricting apron around 8 minutes.  Congratulations to Denise on her victory.

Say Hello to My Little Friend

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

Fatty gotta gun.  His whole belt has come undone.  Look out.  Normally when fatty will go ahead and make his day, it involves eating fistful of McDoubles.   This guy takes it to another level.  I ‘m not sure if he’s using proper form or can just barely extend his arms past his gut but he’s not letting anybody take his McDoubles.   You want to take his McDonalds? The only way you will take it is from his cold fat fingers.  Do you feel lucky punk?

Is that BK you are wearing?

Posted in Fast Food with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 18, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

burger_king_babes

Stop sending me the texts and emails.  Yes, I am aware that Burger King has a new body spray called Flame.  No, I have not been wearing it for 10 years.  I resent the fact that you think that I have the desire to constantly smell like cheap fast food.  It just happens to happen that way.  If I wanted to intentionally smell like food, I would buy the new body spray from the Sizzler.  The  last thing I want to do is get lathered up in BK and then get trampled by a bunch of hungry big girls.  They follow me around all day anyway like I am the Pied Piper.  I do not need any help from you King.

While we are at it.  Who says this is for men anyway? Why wouldn’t the single ladies try this?  Maybe you ladies are alone because guys do not care for the sophisticated scent of lilacs and butterflies.  You may get a man’s attention long enough to listen to you if you drop some BK between your tittays.  If that doesn’t work just shove a Whopper in there.  It that fails, it is you.  Trust me, I am not a big fan of the Burger King but you can experiment with nicer restaurants.  I would just stay away from Red Lobster perfumes and try to keep it in the Steak category.  Just use your imagination and you can have it your way.

Welcome Back Oprah

Posted in TV with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

Winfrey Weight

Don’t call it a comeback.  Did anybody doubt that she would make it back to 2 bills.  Really?  We knew you had it in you Oprah.  The diet experts, personal trainers, and Dr. Phil are not going to help you.  Just be honest and tell America what your favorite things really are.  We’ve talked about them here.  We’ve have Wendy’s, we have McDonalds, we have KFC, we have Bacon Ice Cream and the list goes on and on.

There is one question that needs to be answered.  Where does this put Oprah in the hottest women of afternoon talk?  You have Rosie, Ellen and Oprah.  You could probably throw in Dr. Phil and Judge Judy but we should just rank the Big 3.  Are women that insecure that you have to give us that choice?  Megan Fox can’t talk to celebs?  This is a serious question and I demand answers.

McDouble

Posted in Fast Food with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 1, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

reddawn

Damn you clown.  Did you not think that we would notice?  You can post nude photos of that Arkansas woman and nobody gets hurt.  When you start jacking with the dollar menu, you have gone too far.  Today is a day that will live in infamy.  The double cheeseburger is no longer on the dollar menu.  The food is terrible but I can at least choke it down knowing it cost me the same amount as spending 8 seconds with a stripper.  Now, I have to decide on the double cheeseburger for $1.19 or the McDouble for $1.00.  The McDouble is the double cheeseburger with only one slice of cheese.  No thank you Ronald.  I should not have to carry a can of cheese whiz in my pocket just to enjoy a meal.  It looks like I’m back on Wendy.

Thanksgiving Hates

Posted in Holidays with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

turkeyfire

Thanksgiving is really a simple holiday.  You eat as much as humanly possible and you watch football.  There really should not be any complaints.  Especially since this holiday was designed for the big man.  It just so happens that I have a few things that I hate about Thanksgiving that does not involve my heritage.

  1. Dieters – I do not mind the fact that you eat small amounts.  I just hate to listen you remind me of your diet every other bite.  It is one meal for only one day of the year.  Shut the hell up and put some food in your mouth.  I don’t care how many carbs a hot roll has or how many fat grams your salad dressing contains.  Live a little.
  2. People who show up empty handed – OK, you decide at the last minute to bring your family of six to my house and you bring only for appetites.  Did you forget something loser?  Oh, I get it, your wife does not really cook and you did not have time to stop off at Wal-Mart.  I have to now make my meal for seven stretch to a meal for thirteen.  That means less for me and yes, we have a problem.
  3. People who eat half of their plate and offer it to me. I see you loaded the plate down and are starting to slow down.  You finally give up and instead of just either going the full nine innings; you decide you need a relief pitcher.  Just throw your food away.  There is nothing more demeaning to the big man then to be looked at as one step above the trash can.  If I am still hungry and we are out of food, I have no problem digging through the garbage myself.
  4. Paper or Plastic Plates I know I am not eating at the Trump Mansion, but is it too much to ask to eat off of a standard plate?  I am not testing driving a Prius.  I should not have to worry about torsion and weight distribution of my food.
  5. Detroit Lions Thanksgiving should be about football.  Whatever you are doing out there is not football.  Why are you on my television set while I am trying to enjoy my lunch?  I know it has been a rough year for you with the automakers and your team going 0-11.  You should be angry.  I just don’t understand how you can riot and burn half of Detroit down when you win but can’t overturn a single cop car when you lose every game.  Explain that logic.
  6. Black Friday This drives me crazy.  You are going to wake me up at 2am to go stand in line at Wal-Mart to buy a 19inch tv for $99.  You can by the same tv for $104 any other day of the year.  Or you can wait until next week and buy it for $96.  I know you don’t understand so shut up and set your alarm.  Who doesn’t want to wait in line 5 hours in freezing cold to save $4.

Other than that this is my second favorite holiday of the year.