Archive for Funny

Say Hello to My Little Friend

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

Fatty gotta gun.  His whole belt has come undone.  Look out.  Normally when fatty will go ahead and make his day, it involves eating fistful of McDoubles.   This guy takes it to another level.  I ‘m not sure if he’s using proper form or can just barely extend his arms past his gut but he’s not letting anybody take his McDoubles.   You want to take his McDonalds? The only way you will take it is from his cold fat fingers.  Do you feel lucky punk?

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Sanjeep, We have a problem

Posted in Breaking News with tags , , , , , , , on October 25, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

India has now entered the space race and at this rate should be on the moon in 45 years.  Normally, I would make jokes about such things as Curry flavored Tang and the fact that they can put a man on the moon but can’t eat a Baconator.  However, I’m better than that so I’m not going to make those jokes.  India to the moon is a good thing especially if this mission somehow results in higher quality fireworks.

My anger today is focused on the one small step for man that involved putting a new version of Adobe Acrobat on my computer.  It took India 40 years to find the moon and it took their Tech Support 3 hours to hook Adobe up on my computer.  Not that giant of a leap for mankind there my friend.  Hey, don’t get in a hurry.  Granted he is not going to be manning mission control anytime soon.  But if there is any justice, Rocket Man is going to have to go through 25 teleprompts just to be transferred to Bangalore and then put on hold for two hours.

Things Fat People Hate: Jeans

Posted in Rants with tags , , , , , , on October 19, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

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As a heavy set trucker I have a lot of rants. Traffic jams, a nationwide truck stop shortage of white crosses and my sister’s decision to be a truckstop whore, but one thing that really burns my ass is jeans. What skinny ass bitch decided these things would be a good invention? The last time that I tried to deal w/ them I had to take short term disability for 6 mths, so I am deciding that I’m gonna go tit for tit with them and calling them out in this blog. First why is it that every time I decide to wear black jeans at night I have cars ramming me in my ass. I know I have a big ass and its night but my ass is not a tunnel, highway underpass, or a dark place for teens to make out.  Secondly, why are these bitches so hard to put on? Every time I think, let me just slide something on real quick, it takes 13 hrs. By the time I get them on I have to take them back off because they have been road tested and have philly cheese steak stains and smell like liquid smoke. Lastly, why do they have to be made out of denim? One night I was getting ready for a run to the big man capital of the world Amarillo, TX and started a small fire in my cab when rubbed my flinty ass against the captain chair (f.y.i. Geico doesn’t cover that in their policies).

Signed

Hungry and Hopeless in Mexia, TX

Things Fat People Hate: Multiple DriveThrus

Posted in Fast Food with tags , , , , , , on October 19, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

How hard can this be?  I work the dollar menu like an auctioneer and then i pull up to the window, pay and I get my food.  Billions served for the last 50 years and no problem.  Some lower level manager decided to complicate this by adding another step.  So imagine my anger when I hand my money and the dude tells me to drive to the third window.  WTF?  Where are my 5 sacks of Lunch?  I could have gulped two Big Macs and a chocolate shake by the time I get to the next window.  Not any more.  Now I have to sit in my car like I’m at a Sonic just to wait for the chef in the back for my food.  You don’t pay for a lap dance and then hang out for 5 minutes.  Why?  Because it doesn’t work that way.  It just doesn’t.  You get the lap dance you paid for now because the human brain would explode if you waited.  Thank you Ronald McDonald.  You are the reason I have to pack a freaking snack just to tie me over on 100 feet of pavement.  Go to Hell.

Bagels

Posted in Health Food, Rants with tags , , , , , on October 18, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

Oh, look that skinny bitch brought breakfast. Did she bring breakfast burritos? No. How about some nice bacon and eggs? Of course not. What about doughnuts? Everybody loves doughnuts. Hell No. She has an earth friendly paper sack that has whole wheat bagels. As an added bonus, you get to choose your favorite fruit or vegetable topping on this to make sure you get the taste of a something healthy in your mouth for the rest of the morning. How do you choose between flavors such as plain, tomato or pumpkin? Is it too much to ask for a tub of the shit they put on cinnamon rolls or maybe chocolate frosting? Could you at least spring for the butter flavored Crisco?

So now I have to put a yamaka on which makes my head look huge and fight through the line while the 130lb dudes debate on whether to eat half of the bagel or a quarter of it. Now it is my turn to look in the sack and I spot the one with the sesame seeds on top. Holy Shit. Maybe they put a double cheeseburger in the sack! Nope. Its something called a sesame seed bagel. Fatty gets fucked again.

😦

Things Fat People Hate: Elevator Math

Posted in Rants, Transportation with tags , , , , , , , on October 18, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey
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Courtesy of Idac and http://www.sxc.hu/

Elevators.  Ya I said it. You judgmental bastards thought I was going to say stairs. Of course, I’m not going up the stairs. I’m not freaking Lance Armstrong. Lets see, do I want my socks to be soaked in my own sweat or do I want to press a button with my finger? Real tough one genius.

Here are the jackasses that I’m dealing with:

1) The people that look horrified at me, and then immediately to the maximum poundage on the wall, and then back at me. Ya, I get it but I don’t weigh 2300lbs. Look, there are only two of us in here. The elevator may take longer to go up a floor than an 1874 West Virginia coal mine elevator but it is going to get there. You pussy.
2) The dudes that cower in the corner and press themselves against the wall because they are afraid I’ll lose balance and crush them. Be a man and take a charge.
3) The judgmental bitches that wonder why I can’t just walk 12 steps to the next floor. No that is not my heart screaming, it is the elevator engine, and yes, I do need a snack between floors. Deal with it. I’m hungry.

Top Five Reasons Fat People Hate: Beach Chairs

Posted in Rants with tags , , , , on October 17, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey
//www.freefoto.com/

Courtesy of Freefoto.com http://www.freefoto.com/

1). When you are used to having that fat ass flap in the wind like old glory its hard to quick sub out that 350 lb.  O-lineman you have hiding in your pants fast enough to wedge yo ass into the chair.

2). Because everyone that’s watching this shit pop off knows that there isn’t any titanium (naturally occurring or man made) that can save that chair from gettin it wheels taken out from under it.

3). Sitting in regular human-chairs already make u look mammoth and make your pants ride up in your crotch , now all this has to be attempted in damn a spandex swimsuit.

4). Your at the beach hot, sweaty, stanky and hungry and the friction between u, the chair and the sand is causing the sand to turn into shards of glass. This shit continues to cut your ass until you start bleeding marsh mellow spread.

5). Getting out that bitch w/o it being hooked on yo booty.