Everybody dreads trying to find a gift for the guy who has everything. What about the guy who eats everything? Do you go the food route? Try to size him up for clothes? It is not easy. This is why we are here to give you the definitive gift buying guide for the fat guy. Today, we will go down the easy road which is food. Come back later for additional ideas if you feel guilty of being an enabler. UPDATE: Stocking Stuffers for Fatty is posted.
UPDATE: Bad Gift Ideas for the Big Man
Hot Dog Roller Grill
Finally, the fine folks at Grill-Max allow you to enjoy a nice home cooked meal. There is nothing worse than having to sift through day laborers and teenage stoners just to get a meal. No more 7-11’s for me. This roller also has an added safety feature that allows you to manually shut the machine off and stop the rollers. This comes in handy when you try to lick the grease off by accident. There is nothing worse than getting your tongue stuck while the rollers drag your face across the hot grill. You never really get used to that.
Cotton Candy Machine
The Cotton Candy Machine is another gift that fatty will love. Do you notice how all of the finer restaurants do not have cotton candy machines? It has always sucked not being able to order a handful after a nice steak. Now you do not have to be the creepy guy at the carnival just to eat cotton candy. You can now be the creepy guy in your own living room while enjoying a mouthful of this stuff. The great thing about cotton candy is the versatility. Not only can you eat it but you can also wear it. I make nice shirts, blankets, towels and tents. You could drop me off on Mount Everest with just a cotton candy machine and I would last a month. That is the Native American in me. Do not try this on your own.
Corn Dog Fryer
Every fat man worth a damn has a Fry Daddy. Hell, I have 3 just in case the other two go out during breakfast. The Corn Dog Fryer is something special. This allows you to fry six at a time. The best feature is the metal clamp that holds all six corn dogs. This prevents the fat guy from getting excited and sticking his hand in the hot grease. You no longer have to risk a 9th degree burn on your hand just to enjoy food on a stick.
Hickory Farms Handyman Toolbag
This tool bag is for the working man. You will have a full supply of every meat product, cheese and meat by product in the Hickory Farms lineup. The great thing about this tool bag is that it doubles as an actual tool bag. The drawback is that none of the meat or cheese included needs refrigeration. I am not a doctor but that can’t be good. I suggest you eat all seven pounds within the first hour to avoid a bad afternoon.
Hot Cheese Dispenser
The Hot Cheese Dispenser is great for kitchens and bathrooms. Can you think of a meal that is not better with cheese? I hate salads as much as the next guy but a few gallons of cheese will make you feel like you are not eating healthy. You may choose a model that allows you to fit your head between a dispenser and the base. This is great for the big man who does not have a big woman to wash dishes. I know your next question. Why would you put this in the bathroom? My question is why doesn’t Colgate develop Nacho flavor toothpaste? Now, you don’t have to wait.
Things Fat People Hate 