Archive for rams

Time for more gender tests?

Posted in Breaking News with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 13, 2009 by Straight Cash Homey

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It is never a good sign when you have to take a test to prove your gender.  It is even worse when it takes 3 weeks to figure out what is going on down there.  Caster Semenya will now need to check all of the above or none of the above on the next census.  Now that this is clear.  Who needs to take the test next?  Serena Williams has more testosterone flowing through her then the entire Nebraska offensive line last night.   Carolina should probably test Jake Delhomme after his 5 turnover game today.  Is there any reason not to test the entire Bengals team after losing at home to the Denver Broncos?  Rams should just quit while down 28-0 and line up at the free clinic.  We can probably go ahead and schedule A-Rod for this October.

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So long Jessica

Posted in dallas cowboys with tags , , , , , , , on July 20, 2009 by Straight Cash Homey

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I really wanted a full off season to erase the bad taste from the Cowboys laying down against the Eagles.  This is close enough.  Tony Romo finally backed the dump truck up on Jessica Simpson.  I normally would take the time to blame Simpson for basically ruining the last two seasons but I am not.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m happy that her idiot family has been removed from the scene.  I am really questioning Tony Romo.  Keep in mind he sought her out and met with Joe Simpson first to arrange this.  He somehow manages to have two and a half years of conversations with Jessica which makes me question his intelligence.  He smashes her the night before her birthday and still sticks around Hollywood and hits the clubs.  It  seems like may be the attention whore in this whole thing.  That is fine if you win and take care of business in the off season.  He’s actually doing better than Super Bowl champ Ben Rothlesburg who is getting sued by a hotel maid for rape.  (I guess he is not doing any Super 8 endorsements but he should know you don’t get that kind of service for 39 bucks) The jury is still out on Romo.  The whole season again depends on Romo and whether he would wants to be  in Sports Illustrated or Star Magazine.  We will see if he learned from this mess.  Beat the Giants, beat the Eagles, even the Rams and we’ll talk.

Pogo Sticks

Posted in Transportation with tags , , , , , , , , on October 30, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

I talked earlier about the pitfalls concerning the Rascal.  After turtling one too many times, I decided to seek alternative methods of transportation.  My health conscious friends suggested a good old fashioned pogo stick.  They told me all I needed to do was to jump off of my porch and aim myself to Wendy’s.  My momentum should carry me right to a tasty baconator.  Once again, they were wrong.  Here are the pitfalls of using a pogo stick.

  1. Potholes- Yes you should avoid them but the problem is actually causing them.  This is not your Grandfather’s asphalt.  There is a danger of falling through the street and a larger danger of receiving a bill from the city.  That $42 lunch at Wendy’s could end up costing you several thousand dollars.  Proceed with caution.
  2. Crushed Vertebrae- Your spine is not meant to bounce up and down like Miss Louisiana on prom night.  I’m not a neurosurgeon but I will go out on a limb and say that this is bad for the C2-C6 Vertebrae.
  3. Construction Sites- The dirty construction worker will see you coming and step in front of you.  Why would they do that you ask? Because they are too damn lazy to operate the jackhammer.  True, you will have that pavement busted up in no time but that is not the point.  Do your own job you Village People rejects.
  4. Newton’s Third Law – You college dropouts have no idea what I’m talking about right now and have probably stopped reading.  Here we go.  Newton’s Third Law states for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  This means that car alarms will sound, windows will break, pictures will fall off of walls, global warming will occur, sinkholes will appear, polar bears will die, the earth will move off its axis, Phillies will win the World Series, Al Gore will cry and the Rams will beat a 5 time Super Bowl champion.

As you can see it is just not worth it.  We will explore other forms of transportation in future columns but for right now just stick to the Rascal and avoid the sharp turns.

Larry Johnson-Ladies Man

Posted in Douchebags with tags , , , , , , on October 27, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

When we designed this blog, we did not intend on doling out relationship advice.  However, after reading that Larry Johnson of the Chiefs just got busted for the fourth domestic violence charge in five years and second this year, we are going to make the exception for the ladies of Kansas City.

Larry, instead of spitting a drink on a young lady and then threatening to kill her boyfriend, try sending a nice flower arrangement.  Before you shove a girl down on the dance floor, maybe just talk to her and listen to her needs.  You should not beat your girlfriend and threaten her with a hand gun.  It is not becoming of a gentleman.  You sound like a man of few words so go with Hallmark, which has cards for all occasions.  The $19 million contract you signed with the Kansas City Chiefs means that you will always be loser on the field.  Don’t be a loser with the prison bitches.

Update: Larry Johnson nominated for 2008 Fighter of the Year.

Tha Rams Dude. We lost to the Rams

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , on October 21, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

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Thank you Ram’s, Rams’ or is it Rams?  I don’t know and until Sunday didn’t care.  You have ruined my week.  For what 2 wins maybe 3.  I think you won a Super Bowl with that grocery checker Qbing your team a few years ago.  Just be happy with that and leave me alone.  We lost to Zona and the Rams in back to back weeks.  Is there a treatment center for this?  I’ve blogged about strippers and halloween costumes and I’m still depressed.   The Rams fans were nice even though I’m not sure I’ve ever met a Rams fan.  I think most of them are in LA and not St. Louis.  They are just really high with the good weed and not aware the team moved 20 years ago.  Don’t tell them.  They are driving around in SoCal looking for the Edward Jones dome.  No, I can’t really hate Rams fan.  Or Can I? Kurt Warner maybe?  Somebody has to pay for this.  Settled. Kurt Warner its going to be you.  If my grocery checker wasn’t replaced by a self scanner, I’d shoe him in the ass right now because of you Kurt Warner.  I was prepared to focus my hate tonight with a 2000 word blog on AC Slater.  That douchebag will have to wait for his.  I’m dedicating my season of hate to you Warner.  Be ready.

Things Fat People Hate: Wade Phillips

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , on October 19, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

This breaks my heart.  I mean he’s one of us.  He was once in the back of my weight watchers meeting.   I have also checked out behind him at the JC Penney’s big man’s clothing register.  I know Wade Phillips.  But Wade, you just got your ass whipped by the freaking Rams.  I’m sick of you running around on the sidelines clapping and throwing your arms up like Bob Barker just told you to Come On Down.  You are not a contestant on the Price Is Right.  You are the coach of the Dallas Cowboys.  I hate you daintly dropping the challange flag after dangling it between your fat fingers.  Throw it Down like a man.  This is not acceptable.  You are not acceptable.  The Rams Wade the Rams. Damn you Wade.  I had faith in you man.