Archive for Weight Loss

Things Fat People Hate: Wheel of Fortune

Posted in Rants with tags , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

Well I just got back from my tryout for Wheel of Fortune and it makes me realize how much I hate that show. As a portly African American woman I know my fuckin rights and I think they are racist against fat people. Why is that everytime I would spin the wheel Pat Sajak’s punk ass would keep coaxing me into saying “F”, the bad thing was that the letter was already picked three damn times.  Plus when Pat would walk around he was always hugging on the skinny bitches, when I tried to get some of that sweet white meat he was always two arms length from me. Damn racist saying they kicked me off because whenever they would call for the contestant in the blue I would yell out a letter but when they called for the contestant in the yellow I yelled out a letter too. Bitch I am in the yellow and the blue so I don’t see no problem.


Things Fat People Hate: Vegetables

Posted in Health Food with tags , , , , , on October 20, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

As I walked into my favorite place in the world, the grocery store, I had the enthusiasm of a 5 year old on Christmas morning. As I walked in after waiting for 20 minutes to get the closest possible spot to the front door, normally I would b line for the nearest senior citizen offering me a taste of the latest Tostinos pizza bite flavor but i got winded and needed a place to sit down. I wandered somewhere new where I saw beautiful lush greenery, all colors of the world glistening with fresh dew. I couldn’t figure out why the supermarket would put a park in the middle of the store. Imagine my surprise when I saw a woman that looked very much like Calista Flockheart walk up to one of those plants and take a bite.  I was horrified to find out they were for sale and they were meant to be EATEN.  Now forgive me for being naive but aren’t those things supposed to be used as decoration next to the meat on my plate?  What jackass walked by a tree in the forest and noticed some fungus and said “Hey lets eat that”.  Some skinny peace of shit I would imagine. After stopping for a second to urinate on the “lettuce” if that is its real name, I moved on to the place where the real men where and got myself 5 pounds of ground cow for dinner.  Fuck you vegetables.

David Ortiz End Of Season Blog

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 19, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

Well it was a long series and I have to admit I am glad that its ober. Francona has been boosting my balls to keep my weight under 400s lbs. This ob course is for my own safety as being too fat, I have had the ball drone at me numberous times when I wore green because dey dought I was de green monster. No more worries about running bases, keeping my shirt tucked in or running up a $600 a night tab at the Bo Sox Big Burger stand. Well there is always next jear hopefully we can win de World Series that is the only way that my ice cream cake bonus will kick-in.

Things Fat People Hate: Jeans

Posted in Rants with tags , , , , , , on October 19, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey


As a heavy set trucker I have a lot of rants. Traffic jams, a nationwide truck stop shortage of white crosses and my sister’s decision to be a truckstop whore, but one thing that really burns my ass is jeans. What skinny ass bitch decided these things would be a good invention? The last time that I tried to deal w/ them I had to take short term disability for 6 mths, so I am deciding that I’m gonna go tit for tit with them and calling them out in this blog. First why is it that every time I decide to wear black jeans at night I have cars ramming me in my ass. I know I have a big ass and its night but my ass is not a tunnel, highway underpass, or a dark place for teens to make out.  Secondly, why are these bitches so hard to put on? Every time I think, let me just slide something on real quick, it takes 13 hrs. By the time I get them on I have to take them back off because they have been road tested and have philly cheese steak stains and smell like liquid smoke. Lastly, why do they have to be made out of denim? One night I was getting ready for a run to the big man capital of the world Amarillo, TX and started a small fire in my cab when rubbed my flinty ass against the captain chair (f.y.i. Geico doesn’t cover that in their policies).


Hungry and Hopeless in Mexia, TX


Posted in Health Food, Rants with tags , , , , , on October 18, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

Oh, look that skinny bitch brought breakfast. Did she bring breakfast burritos? No. How about some nice bacon and eggs? Of course not. What about doughnuts? Everybody loves doughnuts. Hell No. She has an earth friendly paper sack that has whole wheat bagels. As an added bonus, you get to choose your favorite fruit or vegetable topping on this to make sure you get the taste of a something healthy in your mouth for the rest of the morning. How do you choose between flavors such as plain, tomato or pumpkin? Is it too much to ask for a tub of the shit they put on cinnamon rolls or maybe chocolate frosting? Could you at least spring for the butter flavored Crisco?

So now I have to put a yamaka on which makes my head look huge and fight through the line while the 130lb dudes debate on whether to eat half of the bagel or a quarter of it. Now it is my turn to look in the sack and I spot the one with the sesame seeds on top. Holy Shit. Maybe they put a double cheeseburger in the sack! Nope. Its something called a sesame seed bagel. Fatty gets fucked again.


Things Fat People Hate: Elevator Math

Posted in Rants, Transportation with tags , , , , , , , on October 18, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

Courtesy of Idac and

Elevators.  Ya I said it. You judgmental bastards thought I was going to say stairs. Of course, I’m not going up the stairs. I’m not freaking Lance Armstrong. Lets see, do I want my socks to be soaked in my own sweat or do I want to press a button with my finger? Real tough one genius.

Here are the jackasses that I’m dealing with:

1) The people that look horrified at me, and then immediately to the maximum poundage on the wall, and then back at me. Ya, I get it but I don’t weigh 2300lbs. Look, there are only two of us in here. The elevator may take longer to go up a floor than an 1874 West Virginia coal mine elevator but it is going to get there. You pussy.
2) The dudes that cower in the corner and press themselves against the wall because they are afraid I’ll lose balance and crush them. Be a man and take a charge.
3) The judgmental bitches that wonder why I can’t just walk 12 steps to the next floor. No that is not my heart screaming, it is the elevator engine, and yes, I do need a snack between floors. Deal with it. I’m hungry.

Top Five Reasons Fat People Hate: Beach Chairs

Posted in Rants with tags , , , , on October 17, 2008 by Straight Cash Homey

Courtesy of

1). When you are used to having that fat ass flap in the wind like old glory its hard to quick sub out that 350 lb.  O-lineman you have hiding in your pants fast enough to wedge yo ass into the chair.

2). Because everyone that’s watching this shit pop off knows that there isn’t any titanium (naturally occurring or man made) that can save that chair from gettin it wheels taken out from under it.

3). Sitting in regular human-chairs already make u look mammoth and make your pants ride up in your crotch , now all this has to be attempted in damn a spandex swimsuit.

4). Your at the beach hot, sweaty, stanky and hungry and the friction between u, the chair and the sand is causing the sand to turn into shards of glass. This shit continues to cut your ass until you start bleeding marsh mellow spread.

5). Getting out that bitch w/o it being hooked on yo booty.