Halloween Costumes: Big Man Edition
It is that time of year again. Yes Halloween. And you have to come up with a costume. Sexy nurse, sexy cop, sexy accountant, sexy librarian, sexy porn star, sexy stripper and good old fashioned whore costumes are simple and available for the ladies. (Side note for the ladies. Send us your Halloween pics to firstname.lastname@example.org and we will exploit errr.. make you the next top model of TFPH) Enough with the ladies. We are really here to help the big man with his costume choices. And for the record fatty, we do not want your Halloween Pics. Nobody does. We have already told you what costumes not to wear. Here are the top six choices that will make you the hit at any Halloween party.
1) The Kirsty Alley (Before or After Jenny Craig)
This is the opportunity to use that dress that has been in the back of your closet. Nobody’s going to ask or care why you have a 9XL sized dress or what you did with the body. If you tip the scales over 350lbs, I would recommend going with the Before Kirsti Alley and going heavy on the makeup. If you are under 275lbs, then you should be nice and go with the After Jenny Craig. The best part of this is that people will not look down on you this time when you get your entire head stuck in the fridge while snacking. Just tell them you are in character.
2) The Larry Flynt
This is really for our fat friends who use the Rascal aka Wal-Mart motorized scooter. However, if you are really lazy or get really drunk just get a real wheelchair. Those in Northern Kentucky can continue to use a wheelbarrell. As a bonus, you can also carry around your 1983 Hustler mags you’ve had in the backseat of your Camero for the last 25 years as a “prop”. See nobody can judge you.
3) The Fat Guy from Lost
First, no way a hot girl is sticking her head in your lap like the one in the picture above. Forget about that but you get to play a popular tv character known as the fat guy from Lost. To get ready for this don’t shave or shower for a week and add a wig. The one drawback is that people may confuse you for Rosie O’Donnell. If so, just go with it. You may get a drunken sexy librarian who wants to experiment like she did her freshman year. Don’t worry about it skinny blonde guys who look like Ellen score like this all the time. No questions asked.
4) King Kong Bundy
My personal favorite. Everybody loves skin. I’m scared to do a search to find a wrestling singlet but I’m sure you can google it yourself. Just try shaving some body hair. People are eating and drinking around you. No real chance with any of the drunk girls but you should be able to elbow the shit out of some skinny dudes in front of their whores and ruin their night.
5) Biggest Loser Contestant
Another simple costume. You just need to put on your gym shorts, stike that, go buy some gym shorts and a workout shirt. The best thing about this is that people will cheer for you and be inspired when you get drunk and fall through the table. Instead of laughter you will get people clapping and saying, “You Can Do it Fattie!” as you struggle to your feet. Hell, you may get the drunken sexy workout girl to help train you. She’ll probably have a train on her by the end of the night but not by you. Loser.
6) Santa Claus
But wait it’s Halloween not Christmas. Shut up and get in the red suit. You have the costume and all those nickels from the Salvation Army bin from last year that you “forgot” to turn in along with your bell. Oh well, screw those poor bastards in Kentucky they never knew about that 9 bucks in coin welfare coming their way. Just throw the big red suit on and you will have all the sexy drunken costume girls in your lap all night telling you the stupid shit that they want whatever dude they are hooking up with to buy them. Just offer them the 9 bucks in change and see if you can maybe sneak a hand somewhere. Just stay sober enough to ward off the Before Kirsti Alley from your lap.
Happy Halloween and come back for more Costume Ideas. Feel free to suggest your own. And ladies don’t forget. Less is always better.